What Bar Bathroom Graffiti Can Tell You About Washington D.C.

Yes, Washington D.C. is filled with government paper pushers, lawyers, and think tank dorks. But many of them are government paper pushers, lawyers, and think tank dorks yearning to be free.

For every Capitol Hill desk jockey whose life calling is to weigh the pros and cons of the federal debt ceiling, there's a Homeland Security analyst working on her first screenplay. Some find solace from the soul-crushing weight of life in a suit and tie through a hobby, like needlework or cycling. Others, it seems, let their untapped creative desires bubble up and explode on the walls of bar bathrooms across the District. Or, at least, they get drunk and have ready access to a Sharpie.

There's art on them walls, not to mention something about the drug habits of magicians. Come on, and take a tour of D.C.'s best bar bathroom graffiti—you'll learn something about the beating heart of America.

RELATED: The 25 Douchiest Bars in Washington D.C.

Address: 1205 U St. NW
Website: N/A

The Nationals' recent ascension as a legitimate World Series contender doesn't just mean more curly W hats on the Metro, longer beer lines at The Bullpen, and postseason baseball by the river. It also gives fans a chance to talk shit about established winners like the Yankees with a straight face. Sort of.

Address: 1942 11th St. NW
Website: sollystavern.com

Somewhere along the way, many of the District's bars seem to have colluded to jack up the prices on the good, honest drinking folk in this town. If a $6 can of DC Brau at Solly's isn't a sure sign that the apocalypse is soon upon us, this greeting on the bathroom towel dispenser certainly does the trick.

Address: 1610 U St. NW
Website: stetsons-dc.com

Despite being the seat of American politics, D.C. is not above dick jokes. Though perhaps they have a greater sense of propriety.

Address: 1234 H St. NE
Website: thepugdc.com

A few months ago, D.C.'s Office of Human Rights forced the proprietors of this H-Street watering hole to remove a chalk-drawn sign pushing a drink called "Marion Berry's Dirty Asian Summer Punch." The cocktail was a nod to former mayor and current city councilman Marion Barry, who months earlier took aim at certain Ward 8 business owners, saying, "We got to do something about these Asians coming in and opening up businesses and dirty shops." City officials deemed the drink's name and an accompanying sketch of an Asian man saying "no tickee, no punchee" uncouth.

All of this has nothing to do with the Sharpie outline in the bar's (unlocked) bathroom.

Address: 1101 Kenyon St. NW
Website: thewonderlandballroom.com

The owners of Alice in Wonderland-themed hipster dives Wonderland Ballroom and the Looking Glass Lounge are a less-polished, Natty Boh-drinking foil to the Hilton bros., the U Street bar mavens who brought us Marvin, the Gibson, and Brixton, among other fancy watering holes. The Hilton boys can keep their dark lighting, steam punk aesthetic and lines at the door. Wonderland has the truth about magicians.

Address: 3102 Mount Pleasant St. NW
Website: haydees.us

Leave it to artists to blur the lines. Is this graffiti or is it a painting? Best to consider life's heavy questions while washinig down a pupusa with a PBR and enjoying the mariachis.

Address: 1942 11th St. NW
Website: sollystavern.com

At Solly's, the complete and utter sense of shame that comes with looking oneself in the mirror after a long night of drinking is replaced with the guilt of knowing that it's been weeks since you've reached out to dear old mom.

Address: 1238 H St. NE
Website: granvillemoores.com

Dr. Granville Moore was an Atlas District physician who, operating out of the space that's now a gastropub named after him, provided pro bono health services to his low-income neighbors twice a week. While Moore would certainly agree with the advice scrawled in one of the bar's unisex bathrooms, he'd also likely be a little disheartened by the lack of creativity. This old saw about safe sex has been lurking above college dorm urinals and ignored by the people peeing in them for years.

Address: 2003 18th St. NW
Website: blaguarddc.com

Some say hell is an Irish bar where it's St. Paddy's Day every day. Others say it's an Irish bar strewn with laptops and people debating whether to take Frank Gore or Ray Rice with the next pick in a live fantasy football draft.

Address: 3125 Mount Pleasant St. NW
Website: N/A

If those of you trolling the comments section just to rip this slide show apart for this or that could pause for a moment and explain why all of the walls in all of the bars in D.C. are painted red, it would be much appreciated.

Address: thebighunt.net

Res ipsa loquitur.

Address: 1101 Kenyon St. NW
Website: thewonderlandballroom.com

How would you like spending your days watching (and smelling) drunk people do their dirty work, huh? They always think the kielbasa and onions is a great idea when they order it...

Address: 1234 H St. NE
Website: thepugdc.com

Taking a two at the Pug without being walked in on by some unsuspecting stranger requires really long legs and the ability to drop a deuce with one or both fully extended. Not easy, friends.

Address: 3125 Mount Pleasant St. NW
Website: N/A

Whether this statement is simply "silly bullshit," or "Exhibit A" in a future criminal prosecution all depends on who's crying. And why.

Address: 1942 11th St. NW
Website: sollystavern.com

Our god is a merciless god. Instead of drinking those pricey can beers and watching the people go by on U Street, you could have been born a d-bag. In which case, the path set out for you by the almighty would've likely led to one of the many other bars in this city better suited to your needs.

Address: 3718 14th St. NW
Website: redderby.com

Warhol didn't invent the Campbell's Soup can, he just made it art (and pissed off a lot of people in the process). Likewise, the person who added a teardrop to this Goya gave visitors something to chew on while popping a squat. What does the tear signify? Is it gang related? How much irony should we read into it? So much depends on how drunk the hand was the defaced the child.

Address: 3418 11th St. NW
Website: dc-maple.com

Maple's brunch menu features a dish called "eggs in purgatory." With a first come, first served seating situation, diners can also expect to spend some time stuck in the middle. Leave your number with the hostess and a grab a quick one a few doors down at Kangaroo Boxing Club.

Address: 3634 Georgia Ave. NW
Website: thelookingglasslounge.com

The utilitarian Tetris piece is literally and figuratively a middle finger to your opponent, Boris, the miniature Russian man who lives inside each and every cartridge of the second-greatest Nintendo game ever created. Or so says the homeless man outside.

Address: 1101 Kenyon St. NW
Website: thewonderlandballroom.com

Alternatively, keep drinking and see if that helps you really dig her.

Address: 810 7th St. NW
Website: lovethebeer.com/rfd

Government paper pushers, lawyers, and think tank dorks. Coke-snorting magicians. A manifest destiny-inspired sports franchise. Projectile vomit. Say what you will about this place, but it ain't half bad.