Image via Complex Original
The Internet is a judgmental place. We “like” something or we don’t; we “upvote” or we “downvote.” Despite the harsh atmosphere of a Roman coliseum, sometimes things that just aren’t that cool get undue love. The most common reason for this is nostalgia. We love it when the Internet shows us something familiar. Put a picture of an early 2000s R&B star, 90s teen movie leading man, or 80s breakfast cereal in front of us and we will click and share automatically. This nostalgia is a powerful feeling; in hindsight, it elevates mediocre and even terrible pop culture artifacts to the level of legend because they were familiar. Let's take a second look at some of the pop culture relics we've immortalized in list and meme. Before you click through that next BuzzFeed list or obsess over a Full House reunion, take a look at these 13 Things The Internet is Nostalgic For That Really Suck.
TRL
Complaints that MTV doesn't play music anymore have been floating around for years now. Those of you railing against the reality shows and teen-friendly series that dominate their programming should ask yourselves how good the music they played actually was. Most of us weren't around for the days when MTV was a legitimately edgy music destination; you're reference for the music MTV used to play is probably the chart topping jams of Total Request Live. Yes, TRL played music: the same ten songs every day for six months at a time. The top ten countdown, carefully engineered by big record companies, would often feature the same top songs for months on end. Has their ever been another program that got away with playing the same content every day and got the attention that TRL did? We should remember the show as a commercial triumph, not something we actually enjoyed.
Captain Planet
One of the great things about super heroes is that they introduce us to complex themes at a young age. Superman teaches us about the burden of greatness and what it means to be different, Batman helps us understand the murky grey line between good and evil. Captain Planet showed us the importance of recycling. While it is certainly important to raise eco-conscious kids, let's not pretend that Captain Planet was any more than thinly veiled eco-propaganda. Educational shows like Wishbone and Bill Nye the Science Guy were far more engaging. Yes, the show's heart was in the right place, but if you really think back to your days as a young Planeteer, you'll likely remember a number of occasions where you turned the channel to see what else was on.
Boy Bands
Major label music in general is inherently inauthentic. Executives find talent, hone in on the marketable aspects of their voice and wring their sound dry. At least that's how it's supposed to work. Boy bands cut out the whole "years of touring and developing your skills" part and just skip right to the corporate appropriation of their sound. The pop landscape of the 90s was more homogeneous than it is today, with a new pretender to the Backstreet Boys and NSYNC throne being foisted upon us every week. While we all fondly remember dancing to "I Want It That Way" at our middle-school dance, it is important we don't mistake that feeling for actually being moved by the music we were listening to.
Disney Sports-themed Movies
Sports movies are hard to get right. Even the greatest among them often feature unbearable moments of schlocky sentimentality when, against all the odds, the underdog looks like he just might squeak it out after all. The 90s Disney sports films embraced the standard underdog narrative and brought little else to the conversation. With the exception of Cool Runnings, these films aren't as charming or stirring as you remember them. For the most part, they are bland, simplistic tales that can only be told apart by the sports they cover and what supernatural elements are or aren't included. The reason you remember The Mighty Ducks so fondly is that you've never made the time to go back and watch it.
The Mall
Though it is totally understandable to desire a human connection in your retail experience, you have to admit that America's shopping malls are shrinking for good reason. You may have enjoyed shopping at PacSun, Hot Topic, and all the rest, but your parents sure didn't. You ended up paying top dollar for subpar goods that catered to your chosen high school subculture. While high school niches are still alive and well, now kids and their parents can hunt across the Internet for signifiers of their identity. Rather than paying absurd mark-ups for the "convenience" of buying board shorts and band shirts at a shopping mall, you can actually buy things you like a reasonable price.
Kid Versions of Popular Magazines
Magazines aimed at tweens glutted newsstands in the 90s and they were all pretty terrible. In addition to Nickelodeon Magazine, you had a number of big adult magazines attempt to branch out into the middle school demo. From Teen People to Sports Illustrated for Kids, these magazines all felt the same. They were filled with short articles that were essential copy lifted straight from PR press releases. All magazines shill, but these kids magazines didn't have to have any concern for journalistic integrity. Essentially, our parents paid to have ads sent to our door every month.
Skip-It
Toys from the 80s and 90s are popping up all over the Internet as targets of nostalgia, as items grown-ass men will pay far too much for on eBay. Though Simon, Tamagotchi, and Furby were all overrated in their own right, the Skip-It earns its spot on the list because it is just a shittier version of a far older toy, the jump rope. It's amazing that whoever suggested that the jump rope could be improved by making it function like a leg shackle wasn't escorted off the premises instead of awarded millions of dollars in ad money. We will admit that the Skip-It probably made a much better weapon than the jump rope, but that's about all the only advantage the Skip-It has in this debate.
Snack Gimmicks
At some point in the 80s, food companies realized that how they package food can be as big a draw in sales as the food itself. Throughout the 90s, companies unleashed product after product into the kid's food market that provided minimum substance and maximum gimmick, much to the chagrin of parents everywhere. The pinnacle of branding over substance had to be Lunchables, a product that allowed Oscar-Mayer to sell crackers and cheese for the price of a sandwich. Gogurt, Dunkaroos, Uncrustables, Handi-Snacks and all the rest followed their lead. Your adulthood grocery choices may be less exciting, but we're willing to wager you're getting much more bang for your buck.
Oregon Trail
Old video games have long been the stuff nostalgic nerd dreams are made of. You can't open Facebook without seeing someone extol the virtues of Mario Kart or Golden Eye. These games were great for their time, but you can't tell me that Golden Eye is better than Halo or Call of Duty. Just because you don't have time to play video games anymore doesn't mean they've gotten worse. Perhaps the most over-nostalgized game is Oregon Trail, the mandated elementary school game that's plodding pace was matched only by its rote predictability. You likely remember Oregon Trail so fondly because you got to play it as a reward for sitting through a dull lesson. Outside of that context, the game looses its charm.
Ronald Reagan
Nostalgia for Reagan's presidency exists on a different part of the Internet than BuzzFeed 90s fetish lists, but if you're still Facebook friends with people you went to high school with, we bet the Gipper still makes an appearance on your Facebook wall from time to time. You don't have to look far for material debunking Reagan mythology. Here are a few facts you can throw down the next time that Tea Party Facebook friend releases a Reagan-Obama meme into your feed. Reagan was a union-buster: he once fired 10,000 air traffic controllers for striking. Reagan stood idly by as the epidemics of homelessness and AIDS grew worse by the day. Whenever given the opportunity, Reagan cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans at the expense of middle and lower class quality of life. Unless you have fat stacks at your disposal, odds are that you wouldn't have been better off under Reagan.
Less Technology
It was so great when we couldn't communicate with each other easily. If only we could go back to the days when there was only one phone line for an entire household and Internet research was impossible. If only we could again be inconvenienced by sending bills by snail mail and having to seek out specialty stores that carried the obscure items we needed. Of course, there are negative aspects to the world of modern technology. No one thinks that it's a good thing that our eyes are perpetually glued to our phones. But, let's get real, no one is looking to turn back the sands of time except the Amish, and they were on it long ago.
AIM
It's a shame that kids today don't get to experience the joys of AOL Instant Messenger. Oh wait, the functionality of AIM is built into every app that kids use, including Facebook and Gmail? Then what are we nostalgic for: the creation of cool user names? Just ask my younger sister, who's nom de AIM was "groovysoccerball" what she would give to go back in time and stop creation of that handle. Modern appreciation for AIM is completely nostalgic. Instant Messenger was replaced long ago by apps that are just simply better. Though you may pine for the days when you could tell so much about a man from his away message, it's time to admit that the service itself kind of sucked.
Full House
The 90s ABC TGIF line-up anchored by Full House might be the 90s relic most beloved by the Internet. Clearly these people have never had the displeasure of re-watching any of these shows. Not only were they poorly written sitcoms, loaded up on saccharine and light on jokes, but their afterschool special tone in no way reflected the world around us. Even lighter shows of today like Modern Family tackle issues of race, sexuality, and the strains of family life in a thoughtful way; The TGIF shows often simple escapism. Full House took on a dad(dies) know best attitude straight out of Leave it to Beaver's playbook. It was a show built on that kind inoffensive, bland safety that garners mass appeal without ever really saying anything. It's one thing for a show to swing for the fences and miss. It's another for the series to never try to say much of anything in the first place.