10 Signs You're An Ungrateful Son

There are no hard and fast rules regarding when to call your parents. I have met some grown-ass men who call their parents every day. If I did that, my rents would probably change their number. I have some friends who only talk to their the people that brought them into this world every couple of months. After week five my dad would file a missing persons claim. How often you call your parents isn't terribly important, but If you notice that every time you have them on the phone the words "I want" or "I need" are involved, then it might be time to call to check in, and not just for access to the check book.

Odds are your parents have gotten pretty self-sufficient over the yeras and there are few things that they need help with, or rather, there are few things that they will let you help with. My father is edging into his late sixties and he would rather collapse under the weight of his suitcase than let me help him carry it. One thing parents will gladly accept help with is technology. Of course, helping parents with technology can ruin your day faster than a careless TV spoiler, but raising you wasn't exactly a cakewalk, so at least you're starting to even the score. Hooking up the Apple TV, converting their accounts to Gmail, and explaining Twitter are some of the most helpful things you can do for your parents. You know how hard it is to get help on a tech support line; it's even harder when you have no idea what you're talking about.

People who don't know what to buy their parents have put in absolutely zero thought into gift giving. A thirty second conversation with any human being can give you a pretty good guess of what kind of gift to buy them. It follows that eighteen years of cohabitation should have given you at least a few ideas. Something as simple as noticing that your family has a garden can yield years of Home Depot-centric gift giving. No matter how boring your mother might be, she has to like something. There are also those things that almost everyone likes you can resort to if you're truly clueless, like booze and...booze. Take an extra minute to think before you buy your mother that Ruby Tuesday's gift card, unless, of course, she likes Ruby Tuesday's, in which case you might want to buy her an intervention for her next birthday.

Whenever you head to your parents' home, it's easy to act like you’re fifteen again. It’s the same house you grew up in; it’s the same bedroom you slept in; it’s the same bathroom you never cleaned. Think about how you act when you stay with friends in another city. You make the bed. You leave a small clothing footprint. You try to leave the place better than you found it. The place where your parents live is no longer your home, even if your little league trophies with your name engraved on them still line the mantle. It's been a long time since you've lived here, so it’s about time you acted like a guest.

What do your parents like to do? Many people don't know the answer to that question. Have you ever asked a parent what their kids like to do? You'd better clear your schedule for the next hour because you're going to hear about every job opportunity, college course, and hobby that their offspring ever almost had. Even if your parents are into something as tedious as model train building or whittling, it's not a bad thing to understand a little bit about what they're into. How bad is one day a year looking stupid in fly fishing gear or attending a Tupperware party if it means your parents get to share something with you? Pretty bad, yeah, but you should do it anyway because it will make your mother happy if you go to the stupid Tupperware party.

Nobody enjoys talking with their parents about their future but you have to do it. Even if your parents aren't quite at AARP card-carrying age, it is a good idea to talk to them about the future. Retirement, wills, and end of life wishes are some of the shittiest topics of conversation known to man. As with most terrible conversations, they get easier when you have them with someone else.

It's easy to get into the habit of trotting to your parents house for holidays and long weekends. That's what you've always done, so why stop? Despite the smile your parents may put on as they slave away in the kitchen and make up the guest bedroom, hosting is some exhausting shit. You've done it; It sucks. Also, asa younger person, you probably also live some place cooler than your rents do. If they could be in New York, Austin, or L.A., why would your parents want to spend another weekend shopping at the mall and grabbing an early dinner at Cracker Barrel? You always put off going to the cool museums and art galleries in favor of working long hours and drowning your sorrows at the bar; here's an excuse to do all of that touristy shit that your friends would rather die than do with you.

Just because you call your parents all the time doesn't make you perfect progeny. Talking to your parents frequently can be just as selfish as never talking to them at all. It is easy to make your parents into unpaid therapists and career counselors. They are interested in you and want to help you, so they likely won't be quick to point out just how self-involved you are. Ask yourself how much you know about what your parents are up to these days. What do they do for fun? Why don't they like their job? If they're divorced, are they seeing anyone? It's easy to prattle on about yourself because your parents have a biological imperative to listen, no matter how dull you may be. Remember that they probably don't have someone that would do the same for them. Even if your grandparents are still alive, they're probably too busy sunning themselves in Florida or yelling at Barack Obama on the television to lend an ear to your parents' concerns.

Easier said than done, right? I'm lucky enough not to have parents who spew Tea Party rhetoric or swear by health advice from afternoon television doctors. Even if your parents subscribe to backwards or stupid points of view, it is important to try and see where they're coming from. No matter how close-minded or outlandish their opinions might be, they came from somewhere. You shouldn't feel obligated to sit down and watch Fox News with them (unless you're a masochist; in which case knock yourself out), but you shouldn't laugh off their opinions either. Their worldview provided the support that got you out of your town and into the world, so you'll probably be able to find some level of common ground if you give it any effort.

Generally speaking, our parents love us and want to support us in any way they can. Of course, this looks for very different depending on the parents. For some of us, this manifests itself in a v-neck t-shirt and a pack of ankle socks every Easter (Thanks Mom!). For others among us, this support arrives in the form of a rent check. No matter how large or small those care packages may be, make sure you have a plan that involves no longer receiving such support. If you are lucky enough to receive assistance from your parents, a zero-interest loan paid back on a time table will weigh a bit less heavy on your soul than a bottomless reserve of cash funding your career as an aspiring artist.