There's only one Batman. His name is Michael Keaton. It's kind of like Santa Claus, really, in that there are certainly a long list of "other" Santas out there (Christian Bale, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, Adam Westspreading joy and generally doing a hell of an imitation job. But there's only one Santa. Thankfully, Keaton's remarkable performance as an ego-battling actor in last year's very A+ Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) has finally given rise to a proper return to form for the living legend and previously confirmed hero of cinema.

Recounting a thoroughly detailed story about an iPhone repair shop employee watching one of the Andrew Garfield-era Spider-Man films instead of actually helping him get his phone fixed, Michael Keaton, a.k.a. Batman, decided to set the record straight by dragging old gender norms into 2015 for a quick Spidey jab. "Pussy," Keaton reportedly told the employee during a Peter Parker crying scene. "Batman would never cry."

You're the only true Batman, Michael Keaton. No one can take that away from you. But maybe Batman doesn't cry because his violence-marred childhood has left him emotionally unstable, driving him to internalize his angst and anguish until it bursts forth in the form of a bat fixation. But, yeah, if we're just speaking generally here: Batman > Spider-Man.