The 10 Best Things About Dating a Sober Person

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Ever wonder why your face is getting increasingly more haggard even though you're only 25? You're almost in the prime of your life. Why do you look like Rip van Winkle? It's because you're throwing back pints of lager and burning through packs of cigarettes. It's never too late. Look at the glowing beauty radiating from the face of your lovely sober girlfriend. That can only come from dialing back on the toxic melting pot that is nicotine and hooch.

Let's be honest: you have friends who are complete shitheads, but you love them because they're your friends. They live at home and chase the dragon, night after night. These are the people who embarrass you at the bar, in a restaurant, or on the sidewalk. You have to remind yourself why you're friends with them in the first place. Lucky for you, sober girlfriends don't have these types of friends (or they were wise enough to cut them loose.) Instead of both of you having to deal with two sets of drunk, obnoxious friends, you only have one—yours.

Can you image the clarity and vision that comes with months and years and decades of consistently waking up not hungover? I took a year off from the sauce and let me tell you, mornings are beautiful. They are the best part of the day and most of us cruise right through them because our head hurts. Either get off the juice or date a sober person and feed off her morning energy. You'll be invigorated and full of life. Or maybe you'll just stop throwing up at work.

No hangovers means a healthier lifestyle, and a healthier lifestyle means being more active (and potentially having more sex). Sober girlfriends know the benefits of filling your free time with activities that help you not die—like exercise and being outside. Active people live longer. Facts. So you and your bae can start partaking in all of the things you left behind in your carefree youth. (Just no couples running. That's weird and pretentious. You're better than that.)

Judging books by their covers—or by the six chapters about toilet naps and brownouts—is human nature. But, when someone who loves you has made many of the same mistakes you have, they will surely do less judging. Of course, if they try and try again to help you and you still don't listen, they will probably go back to judging you. But that's because you're clearly an idiot incapable of learning from your mistakes. 

Whether they're recent teetotalers or have been sober all their lives, sober people will always have a better head on their shoulders than you when you're drunk. This is something that will most certainly work to your advantage. They care about you and therefore they will look out for you, more so than anyone in your same state of inebriation.

I have seen someone's date at an office shindig completely derail the evening, making that following morning a living nightmare for the fool that brought the loose cannon.  And by "fool" I mean me. And by "loose canon" I mean let's never talk about it ever again. Office parties generate a lot pressure for an outsider to try and fit in, and that usually means they resort to easing the tension by hitting the bottle. You don't have that problem when your girl is sober. They roll in brimming with confidence and navigate every conversation and crab puff with ease. Now all you'll have to worry about is not embarrassing yourself.

Being around someone who's cleaned up their act makes you realize how filthy and depressing your own act is. If you're smart, this will motivate you to fix a few things that have been broken for far too long. This doesn't mean you have to get completely on the wagon and ride it to a warmer, brighter future (unless you want to.) You might just tidy up a few of your bad habits and realize you're better off without them.

The best thing about dating a sober person is the late-night text message. It's such a beautifully thing because it's coming from a place of complete honesty. It's pure, unadulterated lust. There will be no lines to read between, and no game of cat and mouse. Just that straight-shooting, to-the-point request for a passion-filled eight minutes. Now the downside to this is they will not tolerate your drunk messages. I suggest you draft up a couple options sober, that way you'll at least get to her front door. Hopefully your charm and drooping smile can carry you from there.

Drinks are expensive. Every new relationship requires a lot of coin. We flaunt what little cash or available credit we have left to impress her with weak cocktails and overpriced Italian food. With a sober person, it's soda and limes all night. All you have to worry about is getting yourself drunk enough to be interesting, which could still be very expensive.