It was another absurd work on the Internet, with Solange launching an elevator assault on Jay Z in leaked footage, while novelist Jonathan Safran Foer colluded with Chipotle to make sure everyone who stops in for a burrito is given the opportunity to read a few lines of Moby Dick. While you were busy scrubbing through that infamous surveillance footage and checking out Jay Z memes, the tech world produced a colorful array of stories, from crowning a new champion of speed texting to Apple blocking a female masturbation app from the App Store. To catch you up, here’s a rundown of 9 wild tech stories you might have missed, but definitely shouldn’t have. 

Michael Thomsen is Complex's tech columnist. He has written for Slate, The Atlantic, The New Inquiry, n+1, Billboard, and is author of Levitate the Primate: Handjobs, Internet Dating, and Other Issues for Men. He tweets often at @mike_thomsen.