Super Mario Kart is a liar.
Nintendo want's you to think it's a fun racing game for kids with turtles and gorillas in bow-ties.
Fuck that. Super Mario Kart is the Greek army after the fall of Troy. Salting the earth and putting relationships to the sword, Mario Kart is evil and here's the proof.
Chances are you've already seen Shea Serrano's work.
Serrano is most famous for his collaboration with Bun B on their project, Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. His comic for Complex's Four Pins about J. Coles's eyebrows attempting to convince Cole to respond to Kendrick's "Control" verse is as amazing as it sounds. It has increased the demand for facial hair based comic art throughout the known internet.
Serrano also has two kids that are vicious at Super Mario Kart. Over the course of the Thanskgiving break, Serrano was deafeated once and what follows is his live-tweet leading up to the second rematch with his kids for the Mario Kart championship. It's amazing.
thanksgiving is ruined
boys are outside. i'm hiding inside listening to doggystyle and practicing mario kart. i can't let what happened last night happen again.
i'm so fucking lethal at mario kart right now. these boys don't have a chance. i'm gonna be like reggie miller to spike lee on these bitches
"knock knock" who's there, daddy? "a red turtle, hoe. right up your donkey kong's bitch ass. // --me, to the boys from 7:30PM to 8 tonight
in this room just pacing back and forth and staring out the window at these two hoes outside playing. they have no idea what's coming.
i gotta go. i'ma do some pushups & smoke a cigarette & then put the cigarette out in my hand to get ready for mario kart. pray for your boy.
daddy vs. the boys -- mario kart -- the rematch -- this time it's for keeps
me, right now for mario kart http://t.co/eCt9him96n
oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck here they come i have to go i'll let you know your prayers are appreciated together we can do defeat this dark evil
tonight i will fight for all parents
for america
for mexico
TONIGHT I RECLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE: THE CROWN
MURDERING MOTHERFUCKING 6-YEAR-OLDS AT MARIO KART LIKE IT WAS ALL I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO
--- let us pray ---
doing pushups using just my thumbs to get ready for this mario kart ultra-war
after i win the mario kart championship against the boys i'm gonna smash the controller on the floor and be like "IT'S LEVELS TO THIS SHIT!"
and here we go. jesus take the wheel.
it's over. it's done. i lost again. boy b is the two-time defending mario kart championship champion. what the fuck.
i thought i had it. i really did. in the final race he hit me with a fuckin' shrinking lightning bolt and then ran me over.
he laughed about it. i called him a motherfucker. he started crying. i started crying. it was an ugly scene.
everyone in the house is frazzled and frustrated and awful. this is what it was like in the studio when lil wayne played rebirth for people.
thank you for your support. i'm sorry i let everyone down. i'm gonna go find a bunch of broken glass and eat as much as i can real fast.
OH SNAP I DIDN'T EVEN TELL YOU THE WORST PART HE WAS PLAYING WITH TOAD HE FUCKING BEAT ME WITH TOAD TOAD TOOOOAAADDD THE WORLD IS UNRAVELING
i had donkey kong and he had toad. in what world does donkey kong lose to toad? toad is motherfucking mushroom. A MUSHROOM.
like, i mean, how the fuck is toad so fast???
toad just fucked my whole thanksgiving break off
toad raced like he was god damn tom cruise in days of thunder
donkey kong was like ricky bobby after the accident :(
"daddy, donkey kong is sooooo slow" BITCH I KNOW I HAVE EYES LEAVE ME ALONE I HATE YOU // us, earlier
i'm gonna sneak in their room when they fall asleep and hit them in the torsos with a soap wrapped up in a towel like on full metal jacket
i am 32-years-old and have a college degree and a real life job and i lost to a kid wearing a fucking ninja turtles onesie
"daddy, but why do i keep winning at mario kart?" BITCH I WILL DROPKICK YOU RIGHT THE FUCK IN YOUR FRAIL NINJA TURTLE CHEST
this is the greatest failure of my life and it was delivered to me by a kid that one time for real ate his own poop as a baby
is toad a dude or a chick never mind it doesn't even matter this is the worst night of my whole life i'm so mad at mario right now
i'm gonna play regular super mario bros right now & when i get to the lava stage im gonna make mario jump straight the fuck in over and over
i thought i loved my sons endlessly but then we played mario kart and i realized that i hate them so, so much
"daddy, why did you pick donkey kong? he's too slow." BITCH YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING WHEN WE WERE PICKING PLAYERS NOT IN THE THIRD RACE
they picked toad and yoshi and i picked donkey kong and they just sat there and laughed to themselves. they let me walk right into the L.
"daddy, i thought you said you were the master of everything?" BITCH I'M THE MASTER OF KARATE PUNCHING HOE ASS MARIO KART CHAMPIONS
my plan is to drink six or seven red bulls and then wait until 3AM then wake the boys up and play DMX super loud and make them play me again
i'm on some guantanamo bay type shit
drake lied. this is the bottom
revenge: next time we practice math, i'm teaching them all wrong shit. then when they get a bad mark on their report card i'm punishing them
i just can't get even handle all of this
i have to go sleep. my nose is bleeding. sorry again, everyone. i thought i was gonna win. i really did. sorry, parents. sorry, america.
None
We know man, we know.
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