Portable Plumber: The Complete History of Mario in Handheld Games

With Mario Kart 7 coming out on December 4th for the 3DS, you just knew we HAD to do a retrospective on the plumber with a million other jobs.

But not all Mario titles are created equal. And instead of going through Shigeru Miyamoto's entire Mario oeuvre, we're just tackling the handheld iterations that Mario's been in.

The rule here is that if Mario has STARRED in the game, then it counts. So yeah, we're kicking it old-school with this one. Let's start back to the beginning. The VERY beginning.

Didn't we say we were going to kick it old school? Remember that strange character, Mr. Game and Watch, in Super Smash Bros. Melee? Yeah, be honest. You didn't know who the hell that was. Well, before the Game Boy emerged, there were THESE LCD video game titles, and Mario Bros. was one of the first. And while yes, you COULD make the argument that the Game and Watch version of Donkey Kong was the very first Mario excursion on the handheld's, this is the one we're starting with since Mario is in the title. The game opened up like a book.

And in all truths, you would never know what Mario's future would be from playing this title. The game consists of you being in a bottling plant, and Mario has to pass packages to Luigi from one screen to the other. It was pretty much the early 80's version of the Nintendo DS, but sideways. So there you go. You learned something today.

We always see people talk about Mario the doctor or Mario the tennis star but never Mario the soldier. In this Game and Watch title, you're, we guess we'll call him, Military Mario. And you have to take bombs from one side of the screen to the other while avoiding enemies who are trying to light the fuse. Once you get to the other side without having your bomb lit, that bomb is tossed to the enemy, with five being the number you need to defeat them.

But here's the thing, the game just isn't fun. It's definitely one of the weakest entries in the Game and Watch collection and one of the worst games in the entire Mario series. Please, even if you're interested in learning about the history of Mario, pass on this one. You won't regret it.

This game is just all over the place. Elevators are going up and down and conveyors are going back and forth. It's chaotic, but it's also fun. It's highly stimulating and doesn't get old fast like Bomb's Away. It's probably the best of the Mario Game and Watch titles. We approve.

In three years, the dynamic duo went from being the Mario Bros. to the SUPER Mario Bros. And while the new moniker definitely fit them in the years to come, we don't think this was the game to give them the superlative. The game mostly consisted of Mario going up and down on blocks to get to the princess and…that's it. But while it was not the most inspired of the early Mario handheld games (We like Cement Factory more), it wasn't bad for its time, either. It was just aiight.

And here's the OTHER series of Mario games you've never heard/played before. Mario in Watch form is actually not as bad as it sounds. Even though these were nowhere near their console counterparts, they were actually playable games that could be enjoyed on the bus or in line for Tim Burton's new Batman movie. Though, it was super short and the controls kinda sucked (you always pressed left to move, even when you wanted to move right), it was still pretty fun trying to reach Bowser and definitely better than any game on a watch had any right to be. Sheer awesomeness.

If you ask 10 Mario fanatics what the first handheld Mario game was, 9 people out of those 10 would point to Super Mario Land, and for good reason. The first Mario game on the Game Boy is also one of the greatest handheld games ever. It was hugely different from the NES Mario games in that Mario could pilot a plane and a sub, but it also felt familiar and safe. We STILL whip out the old game brick to play this beauty. It's an absolute classic. No doubt about it.

For those wondering what the hell happened to Super Mario Bros. 2 on the Nelsonic Game Watch Line, well, it's extremely rare, features Princess Toadstool (fun Fact: It's the first game to ever feature her as a playable character) and sometimes goes by the name, Princess Toadstool's Castle Run Game. So yeah, it's just as messed up as Super Mario Bros. 2 on the NES. That said, SMB3 on the Nelsonic plays a lot like the first SMB. In fact, we barely even recognize any changes. So it gets one less point for lack of originality. They got lazy on this one. You can tell.

By this point, Mario had been a soldier, a factory worker, and an all-around adventurer, but in 1990, he got his Ph.D. Though it really has nothing to do with medicine (and Mario would be a Scientologist's nightmare with all the pills he prescribing), it was a direct copy of the NES version, but in green and black. So in other words, it was next to perfect. We loved it back then. And we still love it today.

Super Mario World on the Nelsonic watch wasn't much different in format from the other Nelsonic Mario games, but there was a lot more going on here. Like its Super NES counterpart, you could hop on Yoshi and get the cape and do a lot of other nifty things. It was about as close to the SNES classic as we would get until 2004 when the game would eventually come out for the Game Boy Advance.

You want to talk crap? Let's talk Mario the Juggler. Basically, a Lakitu and a Koopa Troopa throw balls at Mario and he has to juggle them. And that's it. Pass.

The only game on this entire list we haven't played, your guess is as good as ours about how this Mario Kart clone performs on a watch. Probably like those old Tiger handheld games. Remember those? Yeah, we want to forget about them, too.

Those expecting a similar experience to the first Super Mario Land got a rude awakening when they played this VERY different title that played more like Mario 3 than anything else. The boards were now maps, there were power ups like rabbit ears, and there was also a central villain in the game who was none of other than Wario. This was his first appearance, after all. Don't get us wrong, it's a great, great game, but we still feel the original Mario Land was better. Yeah, we said it.

The first four levels played like the original classic DK, but the rest of the game was a series of awesome puzzles and traps where Mario could do handstands and other gymnastic maneuvers to rescue the oft-forgotten Pauline. It was great! Not so great, though, was the Nelsonic watch version that played pretty much like the original DK. Come on, guys. Put some effort into these.

Okay, so yeah, the Virtual Boy was about as portable as a Playstation 3, but that's how Nintendo marketed it at the time, so that's what we'll call it. Seriously, this game was just tennis. There was nothing special about it in the slightest, except that it was in red. Oh, and it gave you a headache after about twenty minutes of playtime with it. So yeah, it had that going for it.

You know a system is doomed if Nintendo can't even make a decent title game for it. Mario Clash is an abomination that is meant to harken back to the original Mario Bros arcade game but plays like doo-doo. B jumps instead of A (are you kidding us?) and the game is way too long and repetitive. One of the worst Mario games. Ever.

Let's add archaeologists to Mario's many professions. Mario's Picross baffles us. You have to chisel away at squares to reveal a Mario themed picture. It's not a bad game by any means, but it feels a lot less like a Mario title than even Dr. Mario, and that's saying a lot. The Japanese sequels were never released stateside. America didn't want them.

And thus begins the NES and SNES ports to the handhelds. Super Mario Bros. Deluxe was pretty much a direct port of the NES classic but with added features like an over-world map, simultaneous multiplayer, and a Challenge Mode. It was platforming bliss on the go. How could it get anything else BUT a perfect score?

We're sorry, but professional golfer is just one profession we never really liked Mario taking on. This game is just golf, but with Mario in it. And that's it. If that's your thing, then, well, enjoy. But we're not big fans. It gets more of a snore from us.

This was like, a WAY better version than the Virtual Boy title, mainly because it wasn't in red and black and didn't give us a headache, which is pure win in our books.

Two thousand and one was a big year for Mario on the handhelds. Nintendo led the charge for the portly plumber with this port of Super Mario Bros. 2, which is often seen as the black sheep of the series since, you know, it kind of isn't the real Super Mario Bros. 2 (we got THAT game later as the Lost Levels on Super Mario Allstars). Still, we think it's a stellar title and we love it. It gets a high rating from us.

Everything we loved about the franchise on the SNES and N64 was here in this bite-sized version. A lot of people doubted if putting all those power-slides and power-ups on a small screen work, but it did and quite nicely. The only thing that sucked (looking back at it all) was having to use a link cable to play against friends. Wi-fi wasn't an option just yet. But good things were soon to come. You'll see.

While it was kind of odd finding out that the second Super Mario Advance on the GBA would be Super Mario WORLD instead of Super Mario Bros. 3, we couldn't complain since it's undoubtedly one of the best titles in the entire franchise. It's straight up perfect. A classic, big screen or small. Perfect score!

Still no Mario Bros. 3, huh? Hmm. Well, while Yoshi's Island may not be one of our favorite games in the Mario canon, it actually seems to fit here on the small screen better than on the big screen for some reason, vibrant colors and all. We also liked it better the second time around. That said, it still wasn't Mario Bros. 3 and we were disappointed. But that was still to come. We were just being impatient.

NOW we're talking. Maybe they were saving the best for last? Who knows? But while it may be debatable about whether this is the greatest Mario game of all time, there's no denying that this is one of Mario's most shining moments, and it's just as good here on the GBA as it was on the NES. It was a masterpiece on a small screen. We make sure to dust off our GBAs and pick this game up on an annual basis.

Mario games have always been known for their gameplay, but never their humor. Until THIS title, which was an RPG that was similar to Mario RPG as far as attacking was concerned, but different when it came to overall storytelling. It was a unique and fun experience that didn't take itself seriously. We loved it to pieces.

A new system means all the old favorites get pushed up to it, and here we have Golf again, now on the Game Boy Advance. A lot of people say this is one of the best golf games EVER. We'll just have to take the critics' and fans' word for it. All we have to say is, at least it's easy to play.

A follow-up to the great game Donkey Kong, on the original Game Boy, there's a lot of the same going on here with the puzzle-ly areas, but the graphics and sound are beefed up (Mario does his classic, “It's a me,” accent), making it FEEL like a brand new game. The storyline itself is just plain weird. DK falls in love with a Mario doll he sees on TV but finds that all the stores are sold out. So DK goes to the factory and steals a whole bunch of them, which prompts Mario to go after him. What kind of story is that? Well, it was a great game, nonetheless. We really love this series.

Sonic did it, so why not Mario? But here's the thing. Sonic Spinball was pretty awesome, with its multiple rooms, chaotic feeling of scale and overall “Sonic-ness.” But Mario Pinball is just meh. Collecting stars to proceed doesn't feel quite as fulfilling as it did in Super Mario 64, and with the goombas and other mainstays thrown in just so you KNOW it's based in the Mario universe, it seems more like an afterthought than anything else. Not one of our faves.

This was a launch title for the new Nintendo DS, and WHAT a launch title it was. Super Mario 64 is one of the greatest games of all time, and to have Luigi, Yoshi, and Wario in it (you actually START the game as Yoshi—now that's a twist), just sweetens the deal. The graphics were impressive for a handheld and it spelled good things for the DS' ultimate future. It's a winner.

If you're keeping count and wondering where Yoshi Touch & Go is, well, we decided to keep that one off the list since it's in all truths not a “Mario” game as it stars Yoshi (we only put Yoshi's Island: Super Mario Advance 3 on here because it had MARIO in the title). So let's move on. Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time is a follow-up to the stellar RPG, Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga. But in actuality, it has nothing to do with that game story-wise. With the time traveling and the babies involved in this one, it almost reminds us of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, but with Mario characters instead. Oh, and it's not as funny as the first one. But it's still great. It was a worthy sequel and we'd still play it today.

Now THIS is what we're talking about. Mario Kart DS is by far the best version of Mario Kart on a handheld and possibly the greatest Mario Kart ever. And why is that? Because of that sweet Wi-Fi connection, kid. Playing people all over the place was just so much more satisfying than having a damn link cord to keep you together. The tracks were solid, the gameplay was excellent, and everything else was just perfect.

After receiving a great number of 3D Mario's, both on the bigger consoles and with Mario 64 DS, New Super Mario Bros. was quite the pleasant surprise to see Mario returning to his 2D roots. The game was just phenomenal, with giant sized Mario, mini-Mario, and the blue koopa shell being nice additions. The game was a bit short, though, and you could make it even shorter with a bit of skill. But it was still a magnificent game, handheld notwithstanding.

We're actually kind of surprised it took Mario and the crew so long to take it to the hoop. But we didn't expect him to do it against Final Fantasy characters, who made appearances in this game. The controls for this title were simple and fun, and the graphics were friendly, but it just didn't really do it for us for some reason. Your opponents could easily be outmaneuvered and stripped of the ball and it just didn't have that Mario Strikers or Mario Superstar Baseball level of quality to it. It felt like a missed opportunity. But it wasn't bad. It was just okay.

Hmm. March of the Minis isn't one of our favorite Mario/Donkey King titles. You actually have to control multiple “Marios” using the stylus. And while we're all for a challenge, controlling the multiple mini Marios was stressful and annoying at times in this Lemmings-esque puzzle game. It kinda makes us have bad memories of Krusty's Fun House. Not a bad game by any means, but not up to par with the earlier DK/Mario titles in our opinions.

It may not seem like a big deal now with all the Sonic titles on other systems, but back in 2007, this was a pretty big deal. It had rivals, flat-out rivals, in the same GAME together? Blasphemy! Madness! (Sparta?). While it wasn't the most inspired title to put the formers enemies in, it was satisfying seeing Mario beat Sonic IN A RACE if you've always been a Nintendo fan boy. It was silly, harmless fun.

What can we say? It's Dr. Mario. Again. But at 500 Nintendo points (like, 5 bones), that was a bargain. Excellent.

More of the same as the last one. Jeez. We just want a standard, Mario vs. Donkey Kong title like on the GB and the GBA. Is that too much to ask? In this one, the new feature was that you could make your own stages and send them out to your friends over a Wi-fi connection. Fine and good, fine and good, but we're still not the biggest fans in the world of this series.

When we saw this game come out, we knew that the first game in the summer Olympics was no one off fluke. This was going to be a franchise. Luckily, it's not the worst of franchise's and this one is pretty decent. We like hockey and skiing and some of the other events; better even than we liked the events in the first one. It's a decent entry on this list. We ain't mad.

When even the title of the game is a pun, you know you're either in for a good time or a lousy one. Luckily, there hasn't been a bad Mario RPG yet, and this one is the best (yes, better than the Paper Mario ones or the one on the SNES). This one takes place inside Bowser's Belly (get it? Bowser's Inside story?) and features the wit and charm of Superstar Saga. And hey, you can also play as Bowser, too at times.

ANOTHER Mini-Mario game? Okay, we give up. Knowing that this is the path that the Mario/Donkey Kong rivalry will forever stay on on the handhelds, we have no choice but to play it and accept it. And you know what, it's really quite good. The difficulty doesn't just ramp up like in the last one, and we like protecting tiny Mario, Princess Peach, Toad, and Donkey Kong toys through the various perils of the landscape. It's not as bad as we thought…now that we've accepted it.

Though we're not particularly looking forward to the prospect of HAVING to dial the 3D slider all the way up just to play the game, it's an impressive feat nonetheless. The game is chock full of the quirky characters and fickle puzzles we've known from the title it was inspired by. Jawsome.

We'd be remiss if we didn't mention this newest edition to the Mario Kart franchise coming straight to the 3DS. With hang gliders and the ability to drive underwater now available, the gameplay is going to be even MORE nuts at home and around on the wi-fi connection. We can't wait.