ANATOMY OF A WINTER WIFEY
Only a very special kind of woman can spend four months in your house without driving you in-fucking-sane.
1. EYES: Loves Farrelly brothers movies and the NFL.
Extra Credit: Even likes watching you play Madden.
2. LUNGS: Not only does she smoke, but her weed man brings the heat.
Extra Credit: Can hold her breath. For a long time. Actually, two-and-a-half minutes is all we ask.
3. TORSO: WiiPlay means she can stay tight without trudging to the gym.
Extra Credit: Who needs a thermostat? Thanks to Nippler3000, you always know when it's cold.
4. LEGS: Long enough to vault over snowdrifts on her way to the store to get Dutches. For you.
Extra Credit: Thank you, yoga.
5. HANDS: Her perfect afternoon involves making a batch of her mom's killer brownies, and her mom once dated Tommy Chong.
Extra Credit: Doesn't even need her hands—she's Bluetooth enabled, yadida-meeean?
6. BUTT: Firm enough that four months on the couch won't turn the apple bottom to applesauce.
Extra Credit: It's not exit-only.
Girl Photo: Jared Ryder / Hair: Josie for Dop Dop Salon / Makeup: Leora Edut for Ken Barboza.