Illustration by REAS

Baby, it's cold outside, and you need yourself some subzero lovin'. Good thing we're here to show you the ins and outs of landing yourself a certified holi-dime. Trap or die!

This feature originally appeared in Complex's November 2007 issue.

Disclaimer: Forget Icelandic snow queens who ply you with tireless fellatio; winter means no leg-shaving, no sun, and mad holiday leftovers. The upshot? Your shorty-below-zero is gonna be paler, hairier, and thicker than the summer version. Time to adjust your standards. Besides, you're gonna have a winter beard, and we don't hear any panties getting wet during a Matisyahu concert. Diddly-whoa-oh-ohhh...seen!