Classification: Civil War sexy
On the surface, Cold Mountain seems like it’d be the least dude-friendly movie imaginable—it’s a sappy love story, a history lesson, and it’s anchored by Jude Law in a make-the-women’s-undies-tingle performance. Sit with late director Anthony Minghella’s sprawling period drama, however, and it’s actually the opposite of what a lunk-headed guy would expect. The characters are rich, the visuals are striking, and there’s even a brief yet memorable turn from our girl Nat.

Portman shows up as a widow who looks after Law’s character, a wounded Confederate deserter on a trek to reunite with his chick (Nicole Kidman). She avoids a potential rape at the hands of some Union soldiers by popping bullets into their asses, while looking damn good in vintage 1860s-era lingerie. The kind of long, one-piece nightgown that, unfortunately, leaves everything to the imagination.

Rather than put his own imagination to, um, use and try to abolish Portman’s wardrobe, Law’s character mopes around like a sap and thinks about Kidman, who’s nowhere in sight. Cold Mountain? It’s more like Blue Balls.