Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but both will burn your bozack.
People say women are the fairer sex, but what's fair about mutilating a man's genitals because he can't keep them in his pants? (Spreading the seed is a biological imperative, ladies!) Monday morning, while her husband Emmanuel slept, New York nurse Oyindamola Ojofeitimi poured a pot of scalding water on his junk because he'd cheated on her previously. Pretty foul, if you ask us (or our shrieking testicles). Apparently demanding a divorce was out of the question.
You see, it's not commitment that men fear, it's the possibility that a woman will wig the fuck out on us that prevents us from even pretending that we can be domesticated. Maybe if this incident of boiling balls were an isolated one we'd feel differently, but this is a recurring theme (just like a menstrual cycle, the mark of the beast...). Check out these other crazy ladies who went berserk on their dudes and try telling us that women are fair and balanced.
FOUL: Mr. Narayan's wife suspected him of gallivanting about Australia with different women.
PENALTY: Wifey doused her man's genitals with alcohol, then proceeded to light them on fire, accidentally setting the rest of his body on fire, killing him and destroying the house.
• Once in police custody, Narayan told police she "just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else." This is one of the few times that branding genitals sounds like a far better idea.
FOUL: Former Wife Swap star Jamie claims her husband became enraged with jealousy when she received a text message from a male friend.
PENALTY: Two firm shanks from a Cutco sent Jamie's hubby packing to the ICU.
• Even though Jamie claimed she was acting in self-defense, she was the one who wound up behind bars. Real wives don't swap, they stab.
FOUL: Husband stays out late with friends after a Manchester United soccer match in Malaysia, breaking curfew.
PENALTY: His very angry, suspicious wife greets her husband with a knife to the chest.
• The next time wifey makes you sleep on the couch because you smell like Johnnie Walker and cologne with the essence of pooty tang, just be glad it's not a bed of nails.
FOUL: After being served raw potatoes and burnt bread, Mr. Mulcahy complained to his wife about her cooking.
PENALTY: Meredith knocked her husband up side the head with a telephone, brrrrrrrring-ing the pain.
• The key to a man's heart is through his stomach, so we can't blame dude for complaining about his shitty dinner. We can only imagine how sour and bitter she tastes...
FOUL: Cleveland pitcher Chuck Finley complained to his wife about her addiction to painkillers.
PENALTY: While Chuck was driving, Tawny slipped off her stilleto and beat up poor ol' Chucky with it.
• Whitesnake vixens are fierce, especially when they're dealing with Vicodin-induced mood swings. Sometimes you have to beware of that mean toe game.
FOUL: Coming home late from a night of drinking, John Bobbitt allegedly forced himself on Lorena.
PENALTY: Once John had passed out, Lorena used a carving knife to lop off Lil' John.
• The most classic example of a battered husband, John Bobbitt is the reason we have plastic silverware in our kitchen.
MARY WOODSON WHITE
FOUL: Al Green denied White's demands that the two get married.
PENALTY: White waited until Al was showering and threw a boiling pan of grits all over the singer's body, causing severe burns.
• After burning Green with grits, Mrs. White shot herself in the study with his pistol. As you may have guessed, the incident was not the inspiration for "Love and Happiness."
FOUL: Liza is a crazed alcoholic and ex-husband David Gest is a pussy who looks like a South Park character.
PENALTY: According to Gest's civil suit, he endured over a year of regular physical abuse.
• In fairness, with the amount of bad plastic surgery Gest had done, somebody had to slap the shit out of him.