12 Guinness World Records That Exist For No Real Reason

Image via Complex Original

Date: December 1, 1997

Legendary saxophonist (and middle-aged Justin Guarini) Kenny G set a record in 1997 for holding an E-Flat for over 45 minutes. To accomplish this, he used a technique called Circular Breathing, which keeps a steady stream of air flowing through the saxophone even as the player breathes. While the length is impressive, we can't help but think about how that must have been one of the most boring performances in world history. You might say, the whole show fell flat. GET IT?!? 

Date: March 3, 2008

Once upon a time, this record was held by Fiona Apple's plainly titled When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might so When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.

Not content to let the record sit with a good artist's poorly titled album, legendary one-hit wonders Chumbawumba stepped in with their 2008 mouthful The Boy Bands Have Won, and All the Copyists and the Tribute Bands and the TV Talent Show Producers Have Won, If We Allow Our Culture to Be Shaped by Mimicry, Whether From Lack of Ideas or From Exaggerated Respect. You Should Never Try to Freeze Culture. What You Can Do Is Recycle That Culture. Take Your Older Brother's Hand-Me-Down Jacket and Re-Style It, Re-Fashion It to the Point Where It Becomes Your Own. But Don't Just Regurgitate Creative History, or Hold Art and Music and Literature as Fixed, Untouchable and Kept Under Glass. The People Who Try to 'Guard' Any Particular Form of Music Are, Like the Copyists and Manufactured Bands, Doing It the Worst Disservice, Because the Only Thing That You Can Do to Music That Will Damage It Is Not Change It, Not Make It Your Own. Because Then It Dies, Then It's Over, Then It's Done, and the Boy Bands Have Won.

Evidently when "they get knocked down," they break meaningless records in a vain attempt to regain relevance.

Date: May 19, 2008

Okay, so this one isn't exactly music-related, but hip-hop's own Ludacris was an active participant in this naughty world record breaker. During his 2008 TV show Battleground Earth with Tommy Lee, Luda and over 1,000 others stripped down and showered together to raise awareness for environmental causes. While this may sound like a scene from one of the Dirty South rapper's raunchier videos, unfortunately all participants were wearing bathing suits. That fact alone is enough to bump this record down a few notches in our book.

Date: April 2, 2009

An unreleased 7-inch vinyl copy of Frank Wilson's "Do I Love You (Indeed I Do)" sold at auction to an anonymous buyer for $39,294. The single was apparently one of only two copies in the world according to Guinness World Records, as Wilson's boss tried to have all copies destroyed. We understand the collector's appeal, but dropping $40K for one song? Clearly this man hasn't heard of iTunes.

Date: July 5 - 26, 2009

South Indian percussionist Kuzhalmannam Ramakrishnan put on a 2009 concert at the Rhythm Therapy Hall in Kerala, India that lasted a record-shattering 501 hours. That's almost 21 days of solo hand drumming, which sounds just about as exciting as 21 minutes of solo hand drumming. We're pretty sure that when everyone screamed "Encore!" at the end of the set this wasn't what they had in mind.

Date: June 23, 2010

For starters, let's make it clear that we're talking about largest rap, not largest rapper (sorry Fat Joe). In 2010, German rapper Doppel-U and a crowd of 7,519 people simultaneously rapped "Ode to Joy," making it the largest rap in Guinness's strange version of world history. Aside from the questionable translation of classical music to the hip-hop world (not sure anybody is holding their breath for a "Symphony No. 9" trap remix), we're a little confused about what exactly makes this record-worthy. A few thousand people shouted at the same time? Guinness should have just come to Christmas dinner at my aunt's house and saved everybody a lot of time.

Date: November 23, 2010

That's right, Guinness managed to find 645 overweight men who still live with their parents and got them all together in Las Vegas back in 2010. Putting aside our confusion about why Elvis impersonators even exist (seriously, who has ever enjoyed an Elvis impersonator?), we suspect this ElvisCon may have broken a few more records, such as Largest Gathering of Failed Actors, Largest Gathering of Creepy Uncles, and of course Largest Gathering of Registered Sex Offenders. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Date: November 15, 2011

British radio host Simon Clarke spent 5 hours and 6 minutes broadcasting from the bottom of a swimming pool back in 2011, likely breaking a record for pruniest hands in the game. When you really think about it, the bottom of a pool is about the worst place to be underwater. There's no sandy bottom, no cool fish, no lost ruins of Atlantis. It's really all just a world of used bandaids and MRSA down there. As appealing as that sounds, we remain unconvinced that this merits a spot in the world record books.

Date: February 3, 2012

Shockingly this had nothing to do with Corey Hart's classic ode to douchiness "Sunglasses at Night." Rather, avid shades fan Lil Jon and Chicago club Enclave took a stab at breaking this Guinness World Record back in 2012. In total, Guinness counted 671 people donning their shades in the dark club, smashing the previous record of 424. Thankfully it was so dark that nobody could see how much of an asshole they looked like. In case you still didn't get the message: don't wear sunglasses at night... Ever.

Date: May 4, 2013

Austin Antoine recently destroyed the former Guinness World Record for Longest Freestyle Rap by freestyling for an unprecedented 16 hours, 31 minutes, and 21 seconds. The California Institute of the Arts graduate held an Indiegogo campaign to fund the attempt, promising everything from shoutouts in the freestyle to chicken and waffles in exchange for donations. The skills this guy exhibited are impressive to say the least, but are there even that many words in the English language? There had to be some serious repetition going on.

Date: May 9, 2014

Just last month, country singer Hunter Hayes embarked on a 10-city concert marathon in 24 hours, beating former record-holders The Flaming Lips by 2 shows. The biggest surprise here is probably that there are enough Hunter Hayes fans to fill 10 concerts. Aside from that, its just hard to imagine any artist giving it their all at 10 shows in a row. Dude had to be phoning it in by the 8th or 9th one. A more likely scenario is our long-running conspiracy theory that Hunter Hayes is a robot. You heard it here first.