A 71-year-old man diagnosed with advanced dumbfuckery escaped from his D.C.-area assisted living facility earlier this week, hopped a plane to Puerto Rico, and was later filmed hurling rolls of paper towels at hurricane victims. The man, who believes he is the President of the United States, was quickly identified as one-time steak hawker Donald J. Trump. Sources say the "J" stands for Jesus Fucking Christ What the Fuck Is Happening.

A fresh report on the acutely tone-deaf Puerto Rico visit from the Washington Post has added another troubling detail to the man's penchant for handling tragedies as if they were merely a plot point on a poorly scripted faux reality series. Trump, known among those closest to him as Mr. Moron, also wanted to chuck cans of chicken at hurricane victims.

"Whoa!" Trump is quoted as saying. "I've never seen that before. That looks kind of good. Let's start handing it out. Do you feel like this?" Do I feel like a chicken shoved inside of a can, you mean? Actually, yes.

After passing out bags of rice and hurling paper towels, Trump "contemplated" adding the cans of chicken into his hurling arsenal. The crowd, the Post noted, "gently told him no."

The bizarre visit received a fitting assessment from San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz Tuesday night. "This terrible and abominable view of him throwing paper towels and throwing provisions at people, it does not embody the spirit of the American nation," she said on the Rachel Maddow Show. "That is not the land of the free and the home of the brave, that beacon of democracy that people have learned to look up to across the world. He was insulting to the people of Puerto Rico."

Lock him up!

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