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Ted Cruz's former college roommate, a delightfully prolific provider of insider info on the leading GOP candidate who isn't named Donald Trump, is back with his greatest contribution to the 2016 presidential race thus far. On Wednesday, Craig Mazin (now a relatively famous screenwriter) shared a slice of Cruz intel so wonderful that it simply must be consumed verbatim:
Collect yourself. Step outside. Take a long nap. Forefully remove your own eyes from your skull. Do whatever you need to do just to feel okay again. Ted Cruz, masturbator? Why is this scandalous exactly? We all masturbate, and not always for the confirmed health benefits of a daily solo outing. The act of masturbating, it seems, is a given. But that's often not the projected case with a Cruz-style Republican.
As revealed in what is surely the only Guardian article to ever contain both Ted Cruz and sex toys, Cruz was actively involved with protecting Texas's ban on the sale of sex toys back in 2007. The most damning (i.e. downright dumb) aspect of Texas officials' argument at the time, just like Mazin's masturbation claim, simply must be consumed verbatim:
There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.
Don't worry. Mazin has an additional rebuttal:
Just so we're all on the same page regarding Cruz's supposed college behavior, here's a rundown of his greatest (Mazin-alleged) hits:
- His superpower? Being widely loathed.
- Mazin's friend named a mysterious substance after him: Cruhz.
- He would often lounge around the room with "armpits out."
- He masturbates, or has masturbated at least once.
Thanks for your service, Craig Mazin.