The Four Pins Guide To Hangovers

Earlier this week was Cinco de Mayo, which you carelessly spent drinking because you have no responsibilities in the form of, oh, I don't know, work or children. So, you got drunk. Very drunk, in fact. Good for you! You've earned it! Have you? I don't know. Maybe you haven't. Let’s create a hypothetical universe where you do deserve to routinely destroy your body's vital organs. And what a universe it is! And what a person you are! A good person? Debatable. A person? Definitely! Even a garbage piece of shit person is still a person, they just have a few added adjectives in front of the word "person." Okay, so here are some hangover cures in case you're a big baby.

Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.

Drink Water

Alcohol dehydrates your dumb body and water hydrates your dumb body, so this is a no-brainer. Don't drink TOO much water of course, otherwise you could get sick of drinking water.

Greasy Food

I don't know if this works, but a lot of people say it does. Does that automatically mean it works? I don't know, probably. I've heard a few people say it works and I don't know why'd they lie. What would they have to gain from lying about this? Nothing really. So, yeah, greasy food.

Drink More Alcohol

I know what you're thinking. Sounds right, doesn't it? But hold on just a second, let me tell you why before you go out there and drink more alcohol to cure your hangover. My fraternity pledge master, Pledge Master Michael, says this is the best way to get rid of a hangover, and I should do it in honor of the fraternity. It doesn't always work (a lot of the time I feel sicker?), but Pledge Master Michael is older than me and has a lot more experience with this type of stuff. He's very smart and, hell, he's even wise. He also once told me, "I am always right and I am God."

Buy Pledge Master Michael Pizza

Pledge Master Michael says walking down to the Pizza Store Shop down on Main Street to buy him a tasty big pizza helps with getting rid of hangovers. By walking outside, smelling the fresh air, and buying Pledge Master Michael a sausage and mushroom pie for only $16.99 (I tip the pizza man an extra $5 because he is one of Pledge Master Michael's old friends and he makes a good pizza), a hangover can be almost instantly relieved! It's never worked for me, but I think it will one day. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "I don't know Pledge Master Michael, so how can I do this? Well, you should get to know him! I mean, he's my fraternity pledge master! Either mail him a pizza (602 Fraternity Street, Austin, TX) or find your own Pledge Master Michael by pledging any fraternity across these great United States. They provide all pledges with a pledge master so the pledges can learn valuable things, like how to be in a fraternity. One day I will be a pledge master too and show no mercy after I've eaten my pizza.

Drink More More Alcohol

Like I mentioned before, more alcohol is a great way to get rid of a hangover. Now, just have more alcohol. Alcohol is a disinfectant, so it gets rid of all the nasty stuff in your stomach, like alcohol. Pledge Master Michael (in case you missed it, he’s my fraternity pledge master) told me this is what I have to do if I want to be a real member of Phi Delta. That, and make sure my dues are always paid on time. I know you, valued reader, are not a member of Phi Delta (YET), so you may be wondering just how this applies to you. Anyway, usually it just makes me feel way sicker than I did before (the pain goes from my head to my stomach), but that just seems to be part of the process.

Get Your Stomach Pumped At The Fraternity Hospital

At this point, I usually begin the process of getting rid of all the toxins in my body by vomiting. It's typically pretty bad, so I have to go to the hospital. It’s located in the basement of our fraternity, and there some of the pre-med fraternity members try to pump my stomach. There's a lot of punching and I usually end up drinking more alcohol. They mean well, but this usually never works. Again, this way of getting rid of a hangover might not apply to everyone, but it's a step I always have to go through, so I figured I would put it in here just in case. A lot of times I find that my stomach has been quite damaged from the alcohol and from the boys poking around down there with their doctor tools. Then, I usually have to go to the real hospital.

Get Your Stomach Pumped At The Real Hospital

This always seems to help with both the hangover and the pain in my stomach! The doctors at the real hospital are generally horrified by the continually disaster that is my stomach. It's covered in scrapes and cuts, and the docs are saying that if I don't quit drinking immediately I will drop dead at any moment. Bummer, I know, especially considering I have another 3 years of being in Phi Delta and we love to drink!

Take A Semester Off

I have 3 years left of being a Phi Delta, or at least I thought so. I had to leave school this past semester because my parents said so and it seems to be the best way yet that I've found to get rid of hangovers. I've tried to get back into the Phi Delta house to play with my brothers, but they said since I haven't been paying my dues (my parents have stopped giving me an allowance), I can't come in. Some friends! I've had to stop drinking alcohol too because my parents won't provide me with nightly kegs or even daily kegs. Talk about a buzzkill! Between the options of more alcohol or less, I'd recommend both. Less seems to work best for me, but Pledge Master Michael always said more, more, more. I guess different things work for different people. Feel free to pick and choose for yourself from this list!