A Guide To Rap Music (For Aliens)

Like many people, I wonder what would happen if aliens crash-landed on Earth. Would they be violent? Would they be benevolent? Would they come to drain the Earth of resources? Would I even notice, or am I too far out of the loop? Either way, they are eventually going to stumble upon a little thing called rap music. It's too ubiquitous for them to ignore. Anyway, if the aliens want to know more about this rap music, I have written a primer for the state of rap music in 2013. Here are some artists that you, the alien, will want to familiarize yourself with, as well as a few legends you should become acquainted with as well. Please note that this isn't an order, alien, and I will pray to the gold statue you erected in the center of my city five times an hour. Praise be to you, Lord Golfax! And that the planet of Galacktar be rich for a thousand years!

Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.

Kendrick Lamar

You may be wondering, aliens, who is this tiny man with a thousand voices? Well, his name is Kendrick Lamar, and he is arguably our finest rapper. You may now be wondering, how is a man so tiny so good at rapping? Well, height doesn't matter when it comes to rapping ability, aliens. You may now be wondering, "Doesn't height equate to prominence in other things, like sports?" Enough with the height, aliens! Let it go. He's not even that short. Sorry we're not all eighteen feet tall, like you probably are, you giant gangly freaks. Sorry. I didn't mean that. Please take your version of mercy on my tiny soul.

Future

Future was Earth's attempt at creating a rapper who sounds like an alien. We didn't do this to mock you, it was done out of respect. We believed we were moderately successful, and hopefully, we were right. Unfortunately for you, aliens, if you sound anything like Future does, you are going to have a difficult time maintaining control because the sound of your voice is going to inspire people to dance. You are going to have thousands of people dancing to your robotic croons and there is nothing you can do to stop it. At least Future used auto tune, so he could turn it off when he felt like it. But not you. This is your real voice. You will lay down a great hook without even knowing you are doing so.

Chief Keef

If you listen to Chief Keef (who is not a real chief, so please do not treat him as such), you may be confused by what he is saying. Don't get angry if you can't understand him because we had difficulty deciphering his lyrics as well. Please do not murder us if you can't figure it out! Murder us for other reasons, like our puny, earthly bodies, but not this reason! If you CAN decipher his lyrics, you truly are a superior race and deserve to rule over us.

Kanye West

If the name sounds familiar, it is because he likely challenged you to supremacy when you landed on Earth. He also was probably wearing very nice clothing, which I'm sure you enjoyed! Or just turned into fuel for your spaceships. If you are wondering if we elected him to be our leader, we didn't. Many people here on Earth are scared of him. I wanted him to be our leader, but very few people listened to me. And look where we are now. Ruled by aliens—no offense.

2 Chainz

2 Chainz, who chose his own name, was rap's version of a dad. He was tall, older than everyone else, made a bunch of corny jokes, probably loved Home Depot, but was still incredibly endearing and lovable. He also used to call himself "Tity Boi”, which he got rid of, presumably when he realized it didn't fit in with his"dad" image. And good riddance. No dad should be named “Tity Boi”. Unless your name is alien for Tity Boi, oh glorious Golfax. Your children are beautiful and so are you. I praise your glorious reign and love you deeply.

Eminem

Eminem recently put out an album, on which he rapped very, very fast. Some people said this was a sign of rapping ability and others thought it was indicative of him having nothing to say. What do you think, aliens? Do you have an opinion? Take about 80 minutes to listen to this album, then spend a few days collecting your thoughts and then post your opinions online. This whole process should take about a week, and in that time, the human race definitely won't be devising an attack plan to free ourselves from your oppressive rule.

Drake

Drake was a nice young man that rapped on the planet Earth. Sometimes he also sung. People would call this "soft," because feelings are bad. We were all big men here on Earth. Except for the women of course, which BOOOO! Feelings are for babies and ladies. If you don't have a penis, I MEAN COMEN ON!!! I love to eat ham off the bone and kill things!!! AGHGHHH!!!! DRAKE IS BAD! I AM REAL MAN!!!! BOOBS!!!!! #CauseWereGuys #MansHumor

Tupac

Aliens, you may have found yourself listening to rappers not just from today's age. Which is okay! Many of these rappers were good, and not bad. Tupac, for example, was very good. He was from the West Coast, which you probably have already destroyed. This would have likely bummed him out, and for good reason. That was his home, YOU MONSTERS. Anyway, listen to Tupac. He's very "real". We would sometimes describe rappers as being more "real" than other rappers, even though every rapper was definitely a real conscious being that existed. God, maybe we do deserve to be ruled by aliens. We said a lot of dumb shit.

Notorious B.I.G.

Notorious B.I.G. is one of our finest rappers ever. He hailed from the East Coast, so if you're looking to anger some East Coast dumb humans, say Tupac was better. They will lose their minds. Even if they have never listened to Biggie (his nickname), they will lash out, because of our tendency for geographical pride. Am I betraying the human race in saying this? Tough to say. But probably yes. You may think he's still alive, but he's not. Those graffiti murals on every other block in New York City are just art, you dumb fucking aliens. There, human race, are you happy? I called the aliens dumb, and now I am probably going to die. Great. What a Monday.

Snoop Dogg

A some point, a dog rapper became a lion rapper. As a visitor from a different planet, this may confuse you. Do us humans change all willy-nilly? The answer is no, humans generally don't. Snoop Dogg isn't really a human, before he changed his name, he was more of a surreal anthropomorphic marijuana leaf that floated from dispensary to dispensary than a man. At one time, in this period of human history called the mid-1990's, Snoop was one of the best rappers in the world. Now, after changing his name to Snoop Lion, he is some sort of reggae person, which fits the talking pot leaf persona that he has slowly adopted over the past 15 years.

Jay Z

Jay Z is a very rich man, who has a lot of rich things. If you are looking for resources, may I suggest Jay Z's home? He's got to have SOMETHING. I am sorry to sell you out like this, Jay, but they were going to find out anyway. You are literally always talking about your cool shit. If there's anyway to convert Basquiat paintings into alien food, I am going to do what is best for the human race so I can continue living my life. Sorry, Hova. Hope the baby and wife are okay!

Lil Wayne

Lil Wayne, a rapper, often referred to himself as a "martian," thus declaring himself to be some sort of alien. Now, what the hell, guys? Lil Wayne never attacked our planet. Lil Wayne never killed millions of people. Lil Wayne never stripped our planet bare, so he could preserve his own race. Maybe Lil Wayne isn't technically an ALIEN, in the way you guys are aliens. But he sure is a hell of a lot nicer than you guys are, and he once rapped about kidnapping grandmas on the first song of his most popular album. Take notes from Lil Wayne, you genocidal maniacs.

Macklemore

If you happen to steal an iPod from a teenager while you're here, odds are you will find some Macklemore on it, rapping along with a singing man named Ryan Lewis. Some people really liked him, and other people really disliked him. While we were arguing over frivolous things like "Is Macklemore good?" you likely took over the Earth. Did Macklemore destroy Earth? Technically, yes.