HOT: WHAT IT IS AND WHAT TO DO
When I wrote my "Guide To Springtime," besides showering me with presents and rocks, people asked: "I like this season you invented, can you invent a really hot one now?" And because I apparently gotta fuckin' do EVERYTHING around this bitch, I did it. Its low-key nice, but also sucks, like the TV show Scrubs. During summertime, the sun gets closer because it wants to do sex with us. This is also why it gets wiiiild extra on our Instagram during these months, all "wow mmmm that panini looks great" (its a McRib, go to college) and such. But this closeiosity translates into a phenomenon known as hot. "WHY THAT SOUNDS GREAT!" you say. But you're wrong. Wrong and bad.
SECTION ONE: PROBLEMS WITH HOT
1. Makes you yourself feel hot through the power of "scientism."
2. Feels weird to listen to Portishead.
3. Ruins celebrated activity game "hold an ice cube for a very long time."
4. Makes sweaty strangers sigh at you like, "Ugh..right?" and wait for you to nod agreefully, which wastes precious neck energy. Plus, now they swear y'all are friends and you gotta hear allllllll about how their nephew is trying to become a fashion designer, but lacks focus. No, no, yeah, I know, milk costed different in the '30s. We also didn't have spacecars then. Take a fuckin look around, Mavis. This the '90s now.
SECTION TWO: HOW TO BEAT THE HEAT WITHOUT BREAKING THE BANK
First of all, you're being an idiot. Breaking the bank makes the money spill out and then your pockets could be the bank. But if you insist...
1. Banana Republic
The dumbest store in this godless universe is also the coldest. As much as their shirts are stupid, something in their constitution must indicate that the powers that be are very concerned with making sure that the pleated Dockers don't get too warm. This alone is deserving of respect. There is very little TV to watch inside, but you could look at a sweater coolfully until security realizes youre trying to "bring down the corporation from the inside."
2. Utilize The Adjective "Rockin'"
"Say chaps, check out this rockin' photograph of a boat I printed out at the library" and such. This will net you a different sort of "cool" entirely, but in doing so, maybe a celebrity will let you have some of their air conditioning. It's a process, like everything.
3. Go Away
I'm not the best at geographone, but I feel like there's an ICE PLANET? Not the sun, the other one maybe? Iunno, so, like, go there? I feel like I'm thinking of Russia?
4. Pranks
I read a thing one time in a magazine (DO NOT ATTEMPT! I AM VERY FAMOUS AND AS SUCH HAVE MANY PROTECTIVE INSURANCES IN THE EVENT OF MAGAZINE ACCIDENT) about how spicy food became popular in hot climates because it makes you sweat, which cools you down? This sounds crazy, but probably you can achieve similar results from tomfoolery, the "spice of life."
Go to the art museum with a smug look on your face, survey your surroundings and announce like a jerk, "I thought this was an ART museum? I don't SEE any art!!!" When someone points at an art to refute you, begin to scream-cry like a toddler until you throw up all over the floor. Maybe this doesn't make you feel less hot immediately, but MAYBE LIFE IS COMPLEX AND NOT ALL ABOUT ONE THING, DAVID!!!!
5. Starbucks
HOT TIP ALERT: (You get it? Even the tip is hot. We're talking about hot and now we're doing it more. We're having a great time, you and me) When you are at Starbox and they ask what flavor boiling water you want them to pour all over you and your stupid family, throw em the old curveball. Be like, "Say, what if instead of boiling, you gave me some kind of COLD item?" They will be shocked at your subversive attitude and they will call the police, but remain calm. When the police get there, tell them your idea and maybe you get to be the mayor of the police. Iunno, I dont know your life.
And, of course, the ULTIMATE way to stay cool? Be yourself!! Now this article is positive for schoolchildren and I can have a grant.
SECTION THREE: BONUS
WAIT! WHAT IS ALSO COOL IS TO BUY MY ALBUM. OK, NOW 5 MORE TIMES.
DVS is a rap mutant/Earth's greatest supervillain/invented the remix. Read/listen to his guilt-free macrobiotic recipes on Twitter and Bandcamp.
