10 Cool Old Dudes In Video Games

Image via Complex Original

Left 4 Dead

Bill is an easy old man stereotype: the grizzled Vietnam vet. He’s got the stripes to prove it, too: his old limp, the result of shrapnel injury in his knee, acts up when critically injured during the hunt, he’s never far from another oldie-ism about kicking zombies in the teeth, and he’s always, always got a cigarette in his mouth.

Donkey Kong Country

Out of all the new Kongs Rare created when they resurrected DK back in 1994, Cranky may be the best. (Actually “created” might not be the best word, since Cranky is really Donkey Kong, Sr. from the ‘80s.) That said, Cranky didn’t just give you hints about the game, he did it with while making sarcastic jibes at the younger Kongs (and still is).

Vanquish

I will argue until I’m blue in the face that the military stereotypes in Vanquish are Shinji Mikami’s personally pointed satire on the type of ooh-rah armed forces stories Western developers love to put in shooters, and nowhere is it more apparent than in the extra gruff Burns. The beefy CO looks like he’d fit in better in the Gears of War universe and just about every word out of his mouth is the most meatheaded space marine dialogue imaginable (“Look at you, all born-again hard…trying to keep it up?”). There’s no way anyone can take that seriously.

Nier

Maybe Nier isn’t as grizzled as some of his peers on this list, though that doesn’t make him any less aged. There’s no getting around that he looks like a white-haired barbaric caveman, and the fact that he’s got to work as a hired errand boy to pay for medicine for his sick daughter can’t help with his looks. Despite his age, Nier can club foes with the best ‘em, though, and isn’t afraid to express his preference for doing instead of sitting through boring RPG dialogue.

Demon Souls

Demon’s Souls’ cursed realm of Boletaria is a place where you can just as easily die as turn a corner. You’d think these blacksmiths would be more willing to help you out, but both of these old men just sneer and chide you until you pay them the souls needed for their services. Then again, who wouldn’t be bitter living in a demon-infested land?

Assassin's Creed II: Brotherhood, Revelations

Poor Ezio. He’s been caught up in a centuries-old holy war since he was a youth; by the time he goes to Constantinople he’s into his golden years and no longer able to nimbly (ok, maybe still somewhat nimble) to parkour around the cities of Renaissance antiquity with ease. “This used to be easy,” Ezio mutters to himself, scaling yet another tower. At least he doesn’t need a cane.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

If you risked life and limb traveling across lands ravaged by monsters and the undead to save your wife and achieve some personal closure only to become the very thing you wanted to destroy, lose your wife and have to deal with the fallout for an eternity after, you’d probably end up brooding for centuries in the darkness too.

Kane and Lynch

Both Kane and Lynch have been through hell and back, losing family and loved ones, dealing with their guilt or fractured sense of psyche and generally trying to cope with the impact of constantly being hunted. It culminates in their second outing, a tale about a simple arms deal gone bad, laced with enough denial to fuel the desperate acts of ten broken men—more than enough to hit rock bottom.

Max Payne 3

Old Max describes himself as both a “dumb move guy” and “a fat bald dude with a bad attitude” in Max Payne 3, some ten years after his last flirtation with tragedy. Misery abounds in Max’s world: the years of drinking and popping pills have not been good to his world-weary mug, and in between rounds of pumping slugs into paramilitary faces if he’s not drowning in the bottle he’s spouting a continuous string of bilious self-loathing, every line growled to perfection.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

If there’s one old man who has been more beaten and broken down than anyone else I’ve seen in video games, it’s Solid Snake in MGS4. Technically Snake isn’t old—he’s rapidly aging due to being a clone of his father, Big Boss, and the FOXDIE virus is slowly killing him. But even aside from the unbelievable abuse he physically goes through (microwave room, anyone?), Snake is old. He winces and touches his back when crouching; he’s cantankerous and impatient, and he’s got to deal with all of this while trying to stop a madman bent on world conquest. So much for a quiet retirement in Alaska.