50 Shades of Grey premieres today, perhaps you've heard of it? It's reported that one-fifth of the film consists of sex scenes, and given that Valentine's Day is also this weekend, chances are good that couples will watch the flick together. And who knows, they might be tempted to try out some of the "moves" the film is already famous for. But just as you wouldn't start jumping cars and blowing shit up without supervision after watching a Michael Bay movie, there are some things you need to know before you and your partner start tying each other up. You're better off learning the tricks of the trade from a professional.
Porn star Jessica Drake's Guide to Wicked Sex is a series of instructional videos that cover a wide range of topics including fellatio and anal, and her most recent video is all about Christian Grey's favorite hobby—bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism (BDSM.) I had the pleasure of interviewing Drake about the fine line between pleasure and pain. Here's what she had to say to all of your would-be subs and doms.
Lauretta Charlton is a staff writer at Complex. Follow her on Twitter at @laurettaland.
What do couples need to do if they're going to try BDSM?
Well the emphasis from my Guide to Wicked Sex: Beginners BDSM is on the very basics, meaning we talk about safety, safe words, consent, and communication. That's obviously something that’s not addressed in the 50 Shades of Grey books and I would assume it’s not going to be addressed in the movie either. That’s your cornerstone for any type of BDSM play. I’d also like to acknowledge that there are so many people out there already that are practicing some aspect of BDSM even though they might not realize it, because it’s just so common. Whether that’s hair pulling, or spanking, or if you’re teasing your partner’s orgasm, and denying it, and then teasing it and then denying it, you know. That’s a control aspect, and that has to do with BDSM.
But, I think if people are going to take it one step further, they need to really acknowledge that they are doing it by having a safety meeting and setting up safe words and things like that. Also, in my instructional video, I do interviews with the doms and the subs, and I demonstrate some really beginner stuff, actually. It’s spanking, paddling, whipping, flogging. It’s collaring and submissive posturing, different types of power exchange that you can engage in, and restraints. We cover a bit of anal play, only because it was in the first book and what I did before I shot BDSM for Beginners is I revisited the books and I took some of the key elements out of the first book and moved it into the instructional thinking that if the movie mirrors the book, these will be the things that people are trying at home.
What are some more examples?
Well, you know, I think that thinks like gimp suits and dog masks and the toilet or bidet costumes, or the urinal outfit, I think, obviously, that that type of thing is for people that are more advanced into the lifestyle.
Things that I just mentioned. I talked about the difference in hitting someone with, say, an open palm versus with a flogger that can wrap around other parts of the body if you’re not aware of it. I talked about different types of restraints and we talked about setting boundaries.
What does “the talk” before play sound like?
It depends on the type of relationship you have. It can be very matter of fact and very out in the open. A regular sitting on the couch type demonstration, or it can be more slowly negotiated. When a couple talks about fantasies, there’s a reluctance to go all the way and say, "What I really want to do tonight is tie you up to the wall with these things and hit you with this." It can range from, “I’ve had fantasies about you spanking me, how do you feel about that?” and then really they’re just conversations. It’s asking permission and seeing where that other partner’s boundaries are and what they’re comfortable with.
How does gender come into play?
I’ve spoken to couples before about role reversal and again it’s not gender specific just because a lot of what we see does portray a woman being very submissive. The reality is, the dungeons I’ve visited I saw many male submissives as well as female submissives. I think though that in the life of a couple that’s just starting to experiment with BDSM, perhaps the guy is very much in control and the woman is very submissive, maybe in the relationship or during sex or they would like to try the opposite, what I recommend is some type of role play that would take them out of their traditional roles. And for some couples, DBSM is enough role play to do that. For other couples, it’s a little more to do with costuming. If they’re going to play boss and secretary, then the woman is the boss and the man is the secretary. Or if they’re going to play prisoner and guard, then the woman is the guard and the man is the prisoner. By doing that, they give themselves permission to act in a way they would not. And when they try and they get to a place where they feel they are comfortable doing something they haven’t tried before, a lot of the time they find that they really enjoy it.
What is some of the basic equipment that you recommend people start with?
Well, I don’t recommend a huge shopping excursion for anyone that’s just starting out, for a few different reasons. It’s important to know if you’re really into it, and if you’re building a red room of pain before you’re even aware, you’re probably jumping the gun a little bit. I would say though, based on shooting the movie, if you want to try restraints, to get restraints that are easily put on and easily taken off. They have everything from wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and bed restraints. These are very user-friendly. They buckle, they’re very adjustable, they fit any size bed. There are blindfolds and floggers that truly cannot do much damage. There are feather ticklers, there are things to explore for sensory experiences. I do talk about blindfolds in the movie, because I think that as soon as you put a blindfold on someone they lose some of their power because they don’t know what’s going on.
And their other senses are heightened. So, I would recommend a blindfold. As far as the more serious implements, you know, hold off on that for a while. But maybe you find that nipple clamps are for you. You know, maybe you want to experiment with cock rings. These are things that can come later. I advise everybody just start slow and see what gets you off. See what you’re really into. There’s so much out there right now because everyone is riding this wave of 50 Shades. You really have a lot to choose from. Another thing I would say is that you should really pay attention to quality, because, since there is so much out there, there are off brands and there are cheaper products that you really want to avoid. You definitely get what you pay for, as far as adult toys go. So, always just be very aware of that, and if you’re choosing a restraint system to use on your lover for the very first time, chances are you want something high quality, you want something that’s going to be comfortable.
Who purchases gimp suits?
One more time?
When do you get from the tickler to like a gimp suit?
Well, you know, I think that things like gimp suits and dog masks and the toilet or bidet costumes, or the urinal outfit, I think, obviously, that that type of thing is for people that are more advanced into the lifestyle. I know that I’ve worn masks a few times, and personally, I’m more comfortable with a blindfold than I am with a mask. But the suits, there’s so much power and such a statement made in wearing something like that, or having someone wear something like that. When I started learning about collaring, and what it means to a submissive and what it means to a dominant, that’s when I started exploring some of the other things that people wear.
So you revisited the 50 Shades books just to make sure you hit all the points in your film?
Yeah, I tried. I read the books years ago. When I read the first one I was like, “Wow.” You know? It’s pretty explicit, the contract had a big impact on me, because the entire audience for the book, I felt, at the time, weren’t really experienced people, you know? And to put that contract into the book, especially into the first book, it was kind of shocking to me. But creating a BDSM guide had always been on my radar. I created my series almost four years ago, and BDSM was always one of the topics that I wanted to cover. But how could I resist this timing? So instead of a complete comprehensive guide of BDSM, I made it a beginner’s guide to BDSM instead, because I’m really concerned that people are reading the books and taking everything very literally, and acting it out, without talks about safety and safe words and consent. And I’m sort of concerned of what the movie is going to portray. I want people going into this that are interested in BDSM to be more informed. I think it’s really important.
Do you have a scene that you’re most excited to see in the film?
I really want to see the contract negotiation, to be quite honest with you. I want to see how that pans out. I’ve tried not to read any of the reviews. In fact, the last thing I read on the movie was the disastrous press tour that [Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan] did together. I’d already read Dornan's quotes about going to the dungeon and having to take a shower when he got home because he felt so dirty. I was like, “That’s not good. Where are your PR people?” I’m interested to see [Johnson and Dornan's] first sexual encounter. I think that in the movie that would be really interesting, and I would like to see the build up. I would like to see how far they take it. I have no expectations though. Do you know what I mean? Like people are going in saying, “Oh, it’s gonna be garbage.” I’m just very curious about it.
