10 Downsides To Being A Gigolo

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In 2005, an enlightened troupe of sages known as the Three 6 Mafia proclaimed in song, “It’s hard out here for a pimp.” For their timeless and contemplative ballad, they were awarded an Oscar.

Sure, pimpin’ ain’t easy, but what about dudes involved in the oldest profession in the world? Prostitution, that is. Sometimes we wonder if hired lady-killers receive too little credit. Getting paid to get it in might seem like every man’s dream in theory, but turning tricks isn’t without its drawbacks, as the cast of Showtime’s Gigolos can attest. Set in Las Vegas, the reality show revolves around five male escorts who live to please the ladies—no matter what it entails. From accompanying old women to events to test driving scary sex toys for sadomasochists, there are few lines these guys won’t cross to support their lives of leisure.

Now that the second season of Gigolos is upon us (the show returned last night at 11pm EST), we can only imagine what’s up next for the fast five. Before you start thinking about quitting your day job, however, do yourself a favor and consult our list of 10 Downsides To Being A Gigolo.

10. Being Professionally Obligated To Have Sex With Undesirable People

All the sex you can handle. Sounds pretty great, right? Well, before you start advocating your services on HBO’s Hookers At The Point, we recommend you meditate on this: For the most part, women don’t have trouble getting laid.

Even the most beat-looking girls at the bar seem to be able to find their way into someone’s bed before the end of the night. If you’re dealing with a clientele for whom even the most severe beer goggles are rendered ineffective, who’ve been reduced to coughing up cash for sex, chances are high that they’re, well, pretty unattractive.

So unattractive, in fact, that you might want to prep yourself by spending a few minutes concentrating on images of Mickey Rooney—or doing a Google Image search of that guy from Mask, a.k.a. Cher's co-star. If you’re down to run your hands along mugs such as these, then you might just be cut out for the job!

9. Working A Job That Allows Women To Openly Critique Your Junk

While the dames you’ve hooked up with in the past might have gassed your ego with exclamations of how you’re the best (or the biggest) they’ve ever had, women who throw down cash for your time and your wood aren’t likely to be as fragile with your feelings.

As paying customers, they’ll be more apt to tell you that that swivel move your ex loved isn’t cutting it, or that your dick is more crooked than Owen Wilson’s nose. In essence, there’s the possibility that your package might not be one she wants delivered—and she’ll tell you to your face. Unless you’ve got a thick skin (and we don’t mean below), it might be worth your while to refrain.

8. No Health Insurance

With the decision to go “freelance” comes the sacrifice of certain standard perks, such as health insurance. Though you may never have been one to frequent the doctor’s office, there’s no time anyone misses health insurance more than when they’re forced to pay upward of a grand for visits that would have otherwise barely registered on their bank statements.

That said, we can’t help but assume that sex for a living would bring with it certain…occupational hazards. You’re already paying for your night of raw action with a herpes outbreak; are you also into paying triple for the price for some treatment cream? Well, don’t forget to run to the bank. That’s another thing to think about: With no direct deposit, you’ll be spending quite a bit of time running back and forth to the bank to stow away those crinkled bills. 

7. DOUBLE THE AWKWARDNESS OF A FIRST DATE

First-time outings can be weird enough as is; add on the fact that you and your sugar mama are meeting solely for the sake of knocking boots and the awkward get-to-know-you banter has officially reached uncomfortable new heights.

Do you really want to know the reason why she’s called you there? Does she really want to know that you got into the business because you lost your job passing out fliers dressed as a Blimpie sandwich? Chances are, the answers are likely to be boner-shrinking all around.

6. Hiding Your Life From Your Family And Friends

In desperate need of funds to send his son to an expensive summer camp, gigolo Steven and the guys wind up taking on extra work in the form of large women and gang bangs to raise the cash. In reality, we bet his five-year-old would undoubtedly prefer to skip camp had he known exactly how it had been funded. Hiding a life of hoing from children isn’t even the worst of it.

Constantly having to think on your toes or stay consistent with various lies you’ve told your parents has got to be exhausting. Just think of the look on your boy’s face when he finds out that black eye isn’t from a brawl, as you claimed, but a woman who paid you for some Janice Soprano-like role-playing.

5. Never Being Able To Have A Normal Relationship

We've already addressed the lying and sneaking around. If your significant hasn't been filled in on your profession, you'll have the added perk of living in fear of running into other women you’ve serviced while in their company: "Want to tell me why that’s the third woman today who’s given you the international cunnilingus sign?”

If, on the flip side, you’ve been fortunate enough to find yourself a woman who’s understanding about your line of work, late hours are a factor to consider. No one’s going to be thrilled about their man jumping out of bed to dip into another. Additionally, after a day of getting other women off, sex might just be the last activity in which you’ll want to partake. Not bringing the heat when you return home to your woman will never fly, so better be prepared.

4. The Importance Of Upkeep

Staying fresh for the ladies is no longer a choice—it’s a job. All those little things that you’re able to slack on after you’ve managed to hook yourself a girlfriend are officially back on the table. While looking dapper might never have been an issue, a good chunk of your money, in addition to clothes, will be financing tans, waxes, and other metrosexual activities you once found laughable. Don’t forget to thread that unibrow!

3. Getting Roped Into Bizarre Sexual Requests

For those of you who crave a mate who’s a lady in the street but a freak in the bed, you may need to ask yourself, “Just how freaky?” We’re sure you were already aware that there are some crazy fetishes out there, whether you stumbled upon them on the Internet or witnessed them firsthand.

Those who caught the first few episodes of Gigolos know that being called upon to wear a “cock cage” or bang someone’s wife as their husband watches and cheers on are all fair game. Though the show hasn’t yet featured one of the bystanders jumping in on the action, if crossing swords isn’t your idea of fun, it’s probably best to quit while you’re ahead. Reportedly, most of the money in male escorting is actually in dealings with male clientele. Second thoughts?

2. Getting Stuck Playing Therapist

In the event that you’re one of the blessed few who find themselves knocking on the door of a beautiful woman, you might not want to celebrate too soon. The problem likely isn’t them, but, rather, their deteriorating marriage. You know how much you already love it when female friends dump their guy problems on you to analyze.

This would probably be something like that, but worse since you’ll be on the clock with no escaping. Yes, nothing sets the mood better than listening to someone grouse about their husband’s erectile dysfunction. Also worth nothing: You will be expected to cuddle.

1. Reporting To A Pimp

Thought getting screamed at by your boss in front of the entire company sucked? Try getting pimp-slapped.