The 10 Stupidest Criminals In The History Of “COPS”

In a television landscape bloated with bland reality shows, it’s easy to forget just how groundbreaking the COPS really was for its time, back when the show premiered in March of 1989. For those who not in the know (if not, crawl out from under that rock), the long-running Fox series follows police officers through various cities and states as they deal with everything from run-of-the-mill house calls to full-blown car chases down crowded freeways. Over the years, COPS has become a staple of every local bar and college dorm in the country; people love crowding around TVs just to watch hobos, heroine addicts, and their peers eat the pavement courtesy of the law's strong-arm.

Throughout the show’s run, the American public has been given a realistic, and sometimes even hilarious, look at the drug-addled minds of average criminals. Taking place in mostly rural areas, COPS has been criticized for focusing too much on crimes involving the poor; however, the show wouldn’t have the same sense of trashy fun if it was focused on rich white-collar crimes.

To celebrate the premiere of the program's 24th season, tonight at 8pm EST, we’re counting down the 10 Stupidest Criminals In The History Of COPS. Remember, these people are criminals, so it’s perfectly acceptable to laugh at their misfortunes. Note: For maximum enjoyment, keep the show's classic theme song on loop as you click through.

We’re not quite sure what this dude did to get tackled so hard, but apparently being black at night was enough to have him eat some pavement. What’s even better is how the second guy gets roughed up in the middle of trying to put on his sweater. Obviously these cops went to the Rodney King School of Criminal Justice, because they are just wrecking these poor guys. Then again, it’s tough to make a case for your innocence when you start screaming, “I know you from jail, man” at the cops.

Even a reality show like COPS isn’t immune to clichés, and this video sees one of the most classic ones come into frame at the 2:30 mark: the hysterical woman. We challenge anyone to try to understand every word that comes out of her mouth.

You know you’re never going to pull down six figures when you get arrested for getting into a fight at a McDonalds. So when this ginger refuses to cooperate with law enforcement and subsequently gets tackled to the ground, it’s impossible not to smile a little bit. No matter how long COPS has been on the air, people never seem to get it through their heads that police officers damn near always come out on top.

In this scene, most of the officer’s frustration has to come from the fact that apparently Vegas doesn’t want to invest more than $20 into their uniforms. Carl Winslow looks more intimidating than this rent-a-cop, but we doubt Winslow could throw down a choke-slam quite like this dude.

If there's anything better than a pantless crackhead getting chased by the cops through the slums of Washington, we haven’t seen it. Not only does this bedraggled derelict try to flee from officers complete with smoke-filled lungs, but he also comes dangerously close to getting mauled by a German Shepherd.

While it would have been nice to see him get dragged around by the drug-sniffing pooch, the end result is still quite entertaining. The COPS producers should tell these criminals that they will be on TV beforehand, though, because this guy definitely needed to throw a comb through his hair.

Apparently, Washington is home to more than just overpriced coffee and Kurt Cobain’s corpse; the state also harbors some of the world's most braindead criminals. After cops responded to a robbery at a 7-11 (in reality, a robbery at a 7-11 is more like a daily appointment), they were forced to track down the criminals and retrieve the victim’s stolen money.

What the cops didn’t know was that the people stealing the money were merely recouping their losses after the victim refused to pay them back for the crack she bought from them a few days earlier. Sure, most drug deals happen on the down low, but this woman saw it fit to scream out every sordid detail of the transaction at the top of her lungs. Clearly, there isn’t an IQ placement test required to get into the crack-dealing profession.

The woman in the above clip does little to buck the horrible driver stereotype that's attached to females; she also manages to set the Women’s Lib movement back decades with just the swig of a martini. After attempting to, in her words, make a U-turn to get home from a wedding, she somehow winds up driving on a railroad track and getting her car stuck.

Luckily for her, but unlucky for bloodthirsty fans of COPS, there's no train barreling down the tracks at the time. But that doesn't stop the officers from humiliating this lush with some field sobriety tests. Thus proving that getting a DUI is like wetting your pants: It’s always hilarious when it’s happening to somebody else.

For most people, a bad day might include being late to work, spilling piping hot coffee all over your crotch, or erroneously DVRing a marathon of The George Lopez Show. But this man from Kansas City has everyone beat. Not only is he getting busy with a homely woman that dresses like David Lee Roth, but he also gets arrested for refusing to pull over in response to a cop car's sirens.

Miraculously, after this derelict made bail, he somehow found himself arrested again just mere hours later. When you start to become a recurring character on COPS, it’s definitely time to make some wholesale changes in your life.

In yet another example as to why you should always ask for a receipt after you purchase anything, this Fort Worth native is seen complaining to officers that someone swindled her out of $20 after selling her an inferior product. Which seems like a routine problem for cops, except for one thing: The product that the woman was trying to buy was crack.

She could either be classified as extremely stupid or extremely ballsy, but looking at how high her jeans are hiked up, we’ll just assume it's the former. When the cops finally confront her “friend,” she denies being a crack dealer, an argument would hold much more weight if it wasn't for the mysterious white powder on her lips.

In one final declaration of her innocence, the alleged dealer defends herself by stating, “I don’t sell crack; I’m a prostitute.” Somewhere, her parents are probably just so proud.

It's abundantly clear that the state of our country's Law Enforcement is in shambles when the bottom 10% of your high school graduating class have since become police officers, but this clip shows just how much the profession has truly begun to slip.

After the officer lifelessly rambles on about what he’s eating for lunch that day, he spots a motorcycle speeding by a set of train tracks. In an attempt to catch this 17-year-old joyriding on his dirt bike, the cop blows out a tire on his cop car and gets stuck on the tracks. Like a moth to a flame, stupidity seems infinitely attracted to railroad tracks.

First temporarily crippling the railroads of Des Moines, Iowa, and then he wastes the time of four other police officers. Double whammy. The car finally gets off the tracks, though, with the officer receiving nothing but a stern look from his superior. Meanwhile, city-wide looting and violence most likely spread during this unparalleled display of incompetence.

Granted, he's a cop, not a "criminal," but, remember, he's on the clock here. Tax payers' money, put to good use.

Throwing a disturbing tantrum that would make Linda Blair proud, the Palm Springs resident in the above clip is obviously a half-dozen cocktails into an emotional breakdown. Soon enough, she turns into a booze-filled spectacle on the sidewalks of Florida, though somehow also manages to cooperate with police with impeccable manners.

The whole ordeal gets resolved so painlessly that the officers are just going to let the deranged woman leave with her husband; that is, until she tries to get into one of their cop cars and drive away. That's enough to prompt officers to actually do their jobs and arrest the boozehound and her toothless husband.

She may have reeked of cheap vodka and olive brine, but this woman is actually one of the show's more polite criminals in its 24-year history.

Used properly, TV can be a versatile tool that has limitless educational purposes. Everything from thought-provoking documentaries to inspirational political speeches can be viewed on a television set in order to illuminate the minds of a younger generation. But let’s face it: People want trash TV. Anything that involves violence, foul language, and a little bit of cleavage is more than enough to satisfy the unwashed masses.

None of that quite compares to this episode of COPS, however, in which a husky police officer has the unfortunate job of chasing a shirtless midget down a Las Vegas highway. This is why TV was invented, folks.

Not only does the little man try to elude the cop by sprinting bow-legged down the sidewalk, he actually later believes that he can climb a light pole to freedom. Now, we’ll give Webster props for being built like a little paperweight, but watching him attempt to muscle his way out of those handcuffs like a pint-sized Lou Ferrigno is comedic gold.

Oddly enough, the cop doesn't laugh all that much during the whole bizarre escapade. In the end, the above clip just proves that there are no small crimes, only small criminals.