25 Posters You Had on Your College Dorm Room Wall That Made You Look Like a Douche

We all made mistakes in college. Some of those mistakes, like skipping your chemistry exam to camp out for the Grand Theft Auto release, will haunt you forever. Some of them remain secrets between you, your roommates, and old Facebook albums you forgot to delete. So much was terrible about your undergraduate life that it's hard to choose what to be embarrassed about: the clothes you wore, the beers you drank, or the posters on your dorm room wall.

It seems that there are only fifty posters that American college students are allowed to hang on their dorm room walls. Most of them find a way to be both dull and douchey. (The truly great dorm room posters are offensive and ironic.) Odds are, if you had anything on your dorm room wall besides a whiteboard, you'd be ashamed to hang it in your apartment now. Let’s remember those days of wanting so desperately to be different—just like everybody else—with these horrible posters you used to love and are now smart enough to hate.

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What you thought it said about you: "I like college."
What it actually said about you: "I like college for all the wrong reasons."

Animal House is wonderful. John Belushi was wonderful. Harold Ramis was wonderful. Unfortunately, this poster has taken on a meaning of its own, totally divorced from context. Animal House mercilessly mocks frat culture. The film brings up issues of class, gender, and race that are swept under the rug in the macho fraternity world. The members of Delta House are the castoffs none of the other fraternities wanted, men adrift who saw no value in the conservative, normative values of the campus represented by the Omegas. They saw no purpose in a system that was built to shuffle them off to the rot in the business world or die in Vietnam. Sadly, this poster hangs in every frat house in the country that buys into the bro-centric Omega lifestyle, and has become a battle flag for everything that Animal House spoke against.

What you thought it said about you: "I don't take things too seriously."
What it actually said about you: "I don't appreciate my parents' financial stake in my education"

There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who doesn't take his future seriously. Posters with messages like these let everyone who stepped into your dorm room know that you lacked both passion and ambition. Hopefully, that six month backpacking trip around Europe after graduation gave you some sense of purpose. If the light didn't turn on then, finding a job to pay off the loans on that "$100,000 party" likely did the trick.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm classy."
What it actually said about you: "I think this is automatically classy because it is black and white."

Just like the Tea Party wistfully talks about how politics "used to be," young white men like to talk about how women "used to be." We'll save a discussion of changing cultural values for another time and just say that a naked model is still a naked model even if the photo was taken in a hotel room in Paris in 1945 and the subject went on to win an Academy Award.

What you thought it said about you: "I value good photography and the American dream."
What it actually said about you: "This is the only black and white photograph I've ever seen without an Instagram filter."

One can't help but be struck by this photo. It is so...American, so...working class. It is also the most common photo in American culture next to Kim Kardashian selfies. If you really want to come off as obnoxious, you could compliment this poster with stories of how your great-grandfather's blue collar labor inspired you to work as hard as you can in your classes. Let's face it, the American dream is getting laid, and this poster will get not you there.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm a hopeless romantic."
What it actually said about you: "I don't get how rapey this photo is."

Most women's idea of romance isn't being a prize to be taken at will after a victory. Though the identity of the soldier and the woman pictured has long been contested, historians are pretty sure that this sailor just walked up to a stranger and kissed her without permission. This scene plays out every weekend in bars across America and it is not very romantic.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm a cool nerd."
What it actually said about you: "I'm a tragically uncool nerd."

Out of the 58 positions listed on this poster, the average owner of a "Periodic Table of Sex" poster experiences only one of them in the course of his entire lifetime.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm self-deprecating and funny."
What it actually said about you: "This is just the beginning of years of drunken self-loathing."

"Neither of us can get laid without first getting our partner drunk, so let's tear into this PBR and then peel the clothes off of each other's flabby, pimply bodies and try our best to screw the pain away." Actually, this might make a pretty good dorm room poster. Sure, the quote isn't as succinct, but the imagery is definitely accurate.

What you thought it said about you: "It's me and my bros against the world."
What it actually said about you: "It's me and my bros clinging to our narrow, sexist vision of the world."

Vince (Adrien Grenier) won more often on Entourage than House of Card's invincible Frank Underwood, and he did it with about ten percent of the intelligence. Entourage is the embodiment of the American dream wherein white men succeed without really trying.

What you thought it said about you: "I see beyond Ameria's corporate facade."
What it actually said about you: "I am a product of America's corporate facade."

There is no better way to show how much you hate consumerism than to purchase a poster. Fight Club is one of those solid movies cursed with immense popularity, like Anchorman and The Hangover. It's good, but not quite good enough to reach the universal acclaim of The Godfather or Star Wars. As a result, it gets more backlash than it deserves. The poster is so popular, that buying it doesn't say anything about you other than that you are a member of a generation, that you were alive when everyone was buying this poster. If Chuck Palahniuk ever wrote a piece about the novel's anti-consumerism evolution, we would hang that on our dorm room wall, too.

What you thought it said about you: "I like art."
What it actually said about you: "This is the only work of art I've ever seen."

There are two reasons to purchase art for your apartment, home, or dorm room. The first is that you like that piece of art. Innumerable people have been moved by Van Gogh's work. The other reason that one might purchase wall art is to come off as sophisticated and attract smart, sexy members of the opposite sex. It's not too much of a stretch to assume that most people want art to make them look cool. Works like "Starry Night," "The Persistence of Memory," and "The Scream" are pretty easy to see through. A print of "Starry Night" in a dorm room is the Led Zeppelin t-shirt of the art world. More often then not, it was on sale at Wal-Mart.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm a nice dude."
What it actually said about you: "I wear sandals year round."

It seems like Dave Matthews Band has been a collegiate religion for decades. His fans address him by his first name and follow him over vast stretches of the country. It's like he is a Depression era demagogue for the hacky-sack set. If you hoped that a DMB poster would do anything for you other than firmly establish your credentials as a lame white person, you'll be waiting around until we "lie in our graves" to see results.

What you thought it said about you: "I may drink a lot, but I'm worldly."
What it actually said about you: "I spend money my parents give me for rent and groceries on beer."

Hey, craft beer is great. Nothing beats a full-bodied porter or a well-hopped IPA after a long day freelancing at the coffee shop. Don't get it twisted though: drinking craft beer doesn't make you cultured or sophisticated. You don't get the same credit for drinking a German beer as you do for actually making a trip to Germany. Drinking a microbrew isn't a substitute for going to the opera or reading a novel. You drank something that doesn't taste like fermented urine. That doesn't mean that all the female contributors to the college literary journal are going to seek out your OKCupid profile.

What you thought it said about you: "I like to party."
What it actually said about you: "I drink so much I have to use a game to justify it to myself."

Drinking games are for the boring. A person obsessed with beer pong is usually the kind of guy who just can't sit and talk at a party like a normal person. Rather than having to ask fellow guests about their major, where they're from, and what they're dreams are, the beer pong player prefers to resort to dumb macho contests to fill the void left by their complete and utter lack of conversation skills. I guess what we're trying to say is proclaiming that you are "so much better at beer pong when you're drunk" is not the best way to get ahead in life.

What you thought it said about you: "I like rock and artsy stuff."
What it actually said about you: "I like women's butts and think Pink Floyd is alright."

Plastering posters of classic rock bands in your dorm room lets the world know that you listened to all kinds of music growing up. That you chose this poster in particular shows that you have bad taste and all you're interested in is naked women in body paint.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm politically aware."
What it actually said about you: "I think girls will sleep with me if they believe I'm politically aware."

Even though the closest you've ever come to meaningful analysis of Marxism was your ninth grade class discussion of Animal Farm, college made you an expert on all manner of political ideologies. Those late night food court arguments with that guy who always wears a fedora really broadened your socio-cultural perspective. Once you're an expert on Communism, what's the first thing you do? You go to the website of a huge corporation like Amazon and order yourself a poster to brand yourself. Oh, you were so young and so dumb then. Now that you've landed your job at a subsidiary of Goldman Sachs, you know that capitalism is the only viable economic solution.

What you thought it said about you: "I like violent films to be somewhat intellectual."
What it actually said about you: "I don't grasp the themes of this film."

Few films have been as grossly misinterpreted as Scarface. Like many works of art before it, Scarface takes on the theme of "crime doesn't pay." Of course, by making Tony Montana a cultural icon, immortalized on t-shirts, posters, and all sorts of kitschy bullshit, as a culture, we are saying, "well, maybe crime does kind of pay if a cool actor plays you." Never mind that he loses his family and his friends along the way. Remember how cool he looked when he said, "Say hello to my little friend?!"

What you thought it said about you: "I am funny and I love weed."
What it actually said about you: "I love weed."

Marijuana is great, but your love of Mary Jane shouldn't be an aspect of your personality you are trying to show off to house guests. Besides, your bloodshot eyes and empty bags of Doritos will give everyone a clue.

What you thought it said about you: "I like my action movies with a touch of thought and class."
What it actually said about you: "I actually think this is a foreign film."

Though in real life we don't view men who believe they are called by God to murder in a favorable light, we are down for such plots in movies as long as the action scenes look "sick."

What you thought it said about you: "I have expanded my mind."
What it actually said about you: "Even though I'm only 19, there is already a five second pause between when someone speaks to me and when I respond."

Generally speaking, undergraduates aren't exactly worldly. You left your suburb for the city a few hours away, and that's the extent of the travelling you've done outside of grandma's house and family vacations. Many students try to fill this experiential gap with drugs. It's as though they believe that doing exotic drugs is a substitute for life experience. Once you emerge from the narcotic haze, you'll look back at posters like this one and realize that this is definitely not the case.

What you thought it said about you: "I've got school spirit."
What it actually said about you: "I have no personality."

Putting a poster like this up in your dorm room was the equivalent of wearing a band's shirt to their concert. If posters of your school's athletic program is the best you can do for dorm décor, you're better off leaving the walls bare. At least then you'll be a bit of an enigma. Of course, the only exception to this rule is if you are a student athlete. Of course, if you're a good student athlete, you live in some fancy apartment the boosters bought for you which is likely already furnished with wall art.

What you thought it said about you: "My roommates and I are taking on adult responsibilities, but we're still chill."
What it actually said about you: "My roommates and I are still children."

So much of college is about out-chilling each other. Posters like this are the equivalent of scrawling, "I'm easy going!" across your wall with a red sharpie. Everybody wants to be the cool, live-and-let-live guy who only cares about drinking and fucking. At a certain point, when no one has cleaned that bathroom for two months, there will be a less chill addendum to the house rules.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm an open-minded dude who likes artsy photos."
What it actually said about you: "I think lesbians exist to titillate men."

It seems that young men have this idea that if you hang something on your wall, the odds of that thing appearing before you are exponentially increased. This is false. If you think this poster will turn your dorm room into a sexual laboratory for hot ladies, you're wrong. Yes, girls experiment sexually during college, it just doesn't happen anywhere near dudes who own this poster.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm chill."
What it actually said about you: "My mind is an empty vessel."

It is kind of cool that British bookstore owners rediscovered this World War II poster and introduced it to the modern public in 2000. Over a decade later, your purchase of the poster at Wal-Mart is extremely uncool. If you like the concept behind this poster, stop by an antique store or hit up thrift shops to find your own throwback piece.

What you thought it said about you: People who buy these posters aren't thinking.
What it actually said about you: "I'm shallow and have a narrow, unrealistic definition of beauty."

If you want to put up a sexy poster in your tree house, garage, or man cave, more power to you. If you feel the need to brand your private space with a hyper-masculine stamp, that is your right. But many men would like to go back in time and tell our past selves not to put such posters in a place that any women will see. What good can come of this? What girl is going to be more prone to sleeping with you after seeing a bikini-clad model straddling a Corvette above your bed? The Internet is so full of, umm, auto-erotic material, there is no excuse to have posters like this in your dorm room unless your aim is to scare off potential mates.

What you thought it said about you: "I'm funny."
What it actually said about you: "I'm not funny."

No one has bought motivational posters unironically since 1979. So parodying such posters is pretty unnecessary. Most of these parody posters say, "Me and my buddies get drunk a lot, and we're really good friends," which isn't exactly groundbreaking comedy. Also the only people who have to remind the world that they have friends are the people who are insecure about their friendships.