In 2016, if you have a prestige cable show, you’ve gotta drop trou. Well, if you’re a woman, that is. No show on television doubles down on its nudity quite like Game of Thrones, which returns for another season full of babes, boobs and dragons this Sunday.
The HBO fantasy drama has long received criticism for its graphic nudity, sexual violence and violence throughout its six seasons causing many critics to question the storytelling (or give up on it altogether) of showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. But who cares about horrifically tormented instances of sexual violence when you can drown in a sea of boobs!
Occasionally, ladies will be thrown a bone (the dick jokes are just gonna get worse) on GoT in the form of the rippling six packs of the deceased Jon Snow and Robb Stark; the firm buns of Jaime Lannister and Daario Naharis; or the sexually enlightened attitude of Oberyn Martell (RIP). But those instances are few and far between in comparison to how frequently and FULLY NUDE the women are. Sometimes—rarely—if we're lucky enough, we'll get the ever elusive male full frontal shot. It's the rarest form of nudity in entertainment, let alone on this show. And that should be celebrated. So, as the show throws boob after boob in our faces, we're going to keep our focus and get our gaze on for the few dicks in Game of Thrones.
Episode: “The Wolf and the Lion” (Season 1, Episode 5)
Eggplant Ranking: 🍆🍆🍆
Since OG Theon was such a prick, it makes sense that his prick is the first we see! (Get it?!) He lounges around naked post-coitus with HBIC Ros, whose casual dismissal of him and endorsement of Tyrion’s sexual skills are much more impressive than Theon’s (later lost) body parts.
Random Wine Merchant Guy
Episode: "You Win or You Die" (Season 1, Episode 7)
Eggplant Ranking: 🍆🍆
When I consulted GOT dick experts, they mentioned this scene and referenced it as “the naked guy who tries to assassinate Dany." Since I had forgotten that this had happened, I thought a naked man was actually going to attack her, which sounds horrifying (and a good argument for no longer watching GOT). So I was pleasantly surprised that he’s naked because they are tormenting him.
Episode: "The Pointy End" (Season 1, Episode 8)
Eggplant Ranking: 🍆🍆
Hodor seems very nice but seeing his dick, even in uh, a humorous sense, isn’t necessary. Is this what equal opportunity looks like? At least in retrospect the episode title “The Pointy End” is fitting.
Ser Loras' Male Prostitute
Episode: "Kissed by Fire" (Season 3, Episode 5)
Eggplant Ranking: 🍆🍆🍆🍆
If we’re being incredibly superficial here (and clearly petty) I’m glad that there was one instance of seeing someone naked (male) on this show who is actually hot!
Random Flasher Guy
Episode: "Mother's Mercy" (Season 5, Episode 10)
Eggplant Ranking: 🍆
Just no. (Also, can we talk about how 80 percent of the dicks on this show belong to characters who barely even have lines? Where's our Nikolaj Coster-Waldau dong? What say you, Michiel Huisman's dick? Or you most of all, JON SNOW?)
Welp! That’s it! Maybe we’ll get a sixth dick to add to the list for this new season—one dick per season is enough for us anyways. We don't want to ask for too much. Bring on the boobs!