When the first full-length Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer was unveiled earlier this month, one voice of nerd-centered reason was noticeably absent from the global
conversation freak-out: Stephen Colbert. For reasons not entirely clear (though it's worth theorizing that he knew his Star Wars excitement might prevent him from adequately performing his Late Show duties), Colbert was off the air during the trailer's emotional debut. Armed with a week's worth of personal reflection, Colbert carved out some time during Wednesday's broadcast to offer his thoughts.
"J.J. Abrams and I are good friends," Colbert reminded the audience, "but he has told me nothing, including what J.J. stands for or what his phone number is." Colbert then excitedly revealed that he was "confident" he possessed the "definitive guess" as to the entire plot of Force Awakens. Hurriedly revealed to the delight of everyone but his spoiler-fearing self, the proven Star Wars expert’s plot theory involves "tragic shifts" to the Dark Side, the union of moisture farmers and nerf herders, and the ultimate achievement of "peace to the galaxy."
As true Colbert and/or Star Wars heads will note, Colbert’s previous moments of Star Wars nerd heroism include bravely defending J.J. and the Force Awakens crew for that briefly controversial lightsaber nonsense back in December: