A couple months or so ago I stumbled upon a profile of teen heartthrob and star of The Fault in Our Stars, Ansel Elgort and learned he was a reeeeally shitty person. Maybe not IRL, but whatever persona he was putting on in front of reporters was BAD. I thought it couldn't get worse than Ansolø (that's Ansel Elgort's DJ name)—until today. 

Today Esquire published a profile on Miles Teller, the 28-year-old actor who J.K. Simmons slapped the shit out of in Whiplash and one of the stars in the upcoming Fantastic Four flop. Teller's been bubbling on the B-list for a couple years and, like Elgort and his Fantastic Four co-star Michael B. Jordan, has assembled a pretty respectable resume in a short period of time. He's a star in the fractured entertainment world of 2015, but he's not exactly a young Leonardo DiCaprio or anything like that, at least not yet. That's pretty much the extent of what my knowledge of Miles Teller was until today, which is too bad because it turns out the more you learn the worse it gets. If Ansel Elgort is Charmander, Miles Teller is motherfucking Charizard. Let's dig into the evidence, shall we?

This is what one of Miles Teller's tattoos means:

He is wearing a pool-blue V-neck that shows off the Roman-numeral tattoo on his arm, a reference to the thirty-two-ounce beers his high school friends were forced to buy because forties were not available in Florida. He explains that everyone in the "32 Crew" got this tattoo after a night at the High Octane Saloon from a man they bribed out of bed at 2:00 a.m. to needle crooked X's and I's onto their biceps.

32 Crew? Oh, fuck. But let's not rush to judgment. He might actually be super humble still:

"I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I'm better-looking than the public thinks I am."

WELP. Let's keep pushing:

Then there are the scars—on his chin, his left cheek, incising his neck. He was in an accident in 2007, flung thirty feet from a speeding car on the way home from a jam-band festival. He says the scars are why he doesn't have friends from college. 

Did Miles Teller not expand on this? Your scars...that you got after a jam-band festival...are why you don't have friends from college? Like, you mean people at your college were prejudiced against people with scars? That is a pretty big issue on campuses across the nation. Oh wait, Miles Teller expanded on this:

"I was racking up all these medical bills, so we had to sue his insurance because he was driving. It's not like we're suing him; we're suing his insurance. He comes to me. He's like, 'Miles, I don't know if we can be friends when my parents' insurance premiums are going to go up.' I just sat with it for, like, twenty-four hours, and after that I was like, 'Man, fuck you. Like, I've never made you feel bad for this. For you to make me feel guilty and make me feel like you're the victim here, that's really fucked up.'"  

College can be a tough time for white men. Let's talk about your career though:

"But if I'm really homing in on the dramatic performance right now, it's probably Christian Bale or it's Joaq." 

HE CALLED HIM "JOAQ."

The conversation eventually moves to other things, like milk tea, which Miles Teller brings up seemingly so that he can talk about how much weed he used to smoke:

"I used to get this milk tea in college at the Asian market M2M when I was high. It was five bucks. Me and my buddies prided ourselves. We were like, 'Nobody smokes this much pot. I guarantee you can ask anyone in this dorm, man . . . we smoke a lot.' I didn't do a single play when I was in college, because all I wanted to do was smoke pot. I did zero extracurricular activities so I could get high. I stopped when I started doing movies and went to L. A. because I was like, I can't get a phone call and not answer it."

Weed and 32 oz. beers and scars—college is so cray cray, amirite?

To cap off this whole fun experience we've just had, let's look over some of the other photos from Esquire's photo shoot. They really nail that "I'm in movies and I'm a dick" look:

Whew. 

Now, as is likely the case with Ansel Elgort, Miles Teller was probably putting on an act and just went a little too far. And to be honest, the way the piece is written, it more or less seems like the writer went into the interview with some preconceived notions, and that may be the reason why he comes off looking so horribly. But damn, this profile really makes me want to:

UPDATE: Looks like Miles Teller is going with the same argument I posed for him in the above paragraph. Here's what he just tweeted at Esquire: