Since Guardians of the Galaxy opened on August 1, Chris Pratt has undeniably won the Internet. There's been a media arms race of memeable Pratt content including, but not limited to, rapping, Throwback Thursday photos, and GIF galleries of everything he did pre-Parks and Recreation. The Internet has entered a feel-good digital spooning session with Pratt, and it feels so good.
It also feels familiar, and that's because Pratt’s public persona is cribbed directly from the Jennifer Lawrence public relations battle plans. Vulture called this self-consciously goofy yet endlessly winning public style an “elaborate charm offensive,” which feels pretty apt given the listicle carpet-bombing we’ve endured on behalf of both. (Yes, sadly, I’m a veteran of these wars.) There is, however, one weapon that JLaw has deployed that Pratt lacks, and it may be the most powerful piece of her arsenal: Anne Hathaway.
There is no Jennifer Lawrence without Anne Hathaway. While both actresses fit the bill of “men want her, women want to be here,” Hathaway is the homecoming queen/class president valedictorian America barely tolerates and JLaw is America's awkward friend who suddenly got hot over the summer and somehow maintained that down-to-earth vibe that allows her to be “one of the guys.” In 2013, to hate Hathaway was to love Lawrence. If your memory of those days is foggy, you can look here , here, here, here, or (for the obligatory contrarian stance) here for reminders. If Chris Pratt is going to reach the Internet Hall of the Ancients and take his rightful place next to JLaw, Psy, and Grumpy Cat, he is going to need an Anne Hathaway.
Choosing a male Anne Hathaway is a difficult proposition. To find the celebrity Lex Luthor for Chris Pratt, we can’t think about an actor who is like Anne Hathaway—we have to choose an actor who gets the same reaction from men that Hathaway gets from women. Why does Hathaway draw so much hate? She is the image of practiced perfection. She does it all, but tries way too hard and is super boring while she does it. Perfect. Ubiquitous. Boring. Ball those traits up in a male, and you’re talking about Tom Hanks, and dudes love Tom Hanks. We'll have to think beyond The Princess Diaries for this one.
There are three pre-conditions for the Male Anne Hathaway: women have to want him, men should want to be him, and other men must hate him. With that in mind, let’s begin the search for the male Anne Hathaway.