Failed Movie: Alex Cross (2012)

In an alternate universe, there's a version of Alex Cross that stars Idris Elba, the star originally targeted, and is playing in a theater that serves ice-cold beers and replaces "coming attractions" with a live, in-person Kate Upton doing the "Cat Daddy" dance in a two-piece bikini.

Unfortunately, reality is, you know, a thing, and filmgoers are stuck with memories of the woefully miscast Tyler Perry playing novelist James Patterson's homicide detective. In director Rob Cohen's parade of poor acting and non-existent tension, there's also a wildly unhinged, hilariously overwrought performance from Lost alum Matthew Fox. (In the alternate universe it's Mads Mikkelsen.)

There's a joke to be made about how things could've been worse had Perry worn your grandmother's clothes, but, frankly, it's not worth it.