This past Tuesday, former mountain biking world champion Melissa "Missy" Giove was arrested when nearly 400 pounds of marijuana was seized from her truck and home outside of Saratoga Springs New York. We feel for you, Missy. But how did you get caught? White girl drug dealers are never supposed to get caught: the cops let you get past road blocks, you're rarely suspected for more than accessory, and you kill it because everyone would rather buy drugs from a nice-smelling, soft woman than some sketchy dude in a back alley who sweats a lot. Well, on second thought, Missy doesn't look so soft or particularly nice-smelling. Did we mention she's a mountain biker?
But there are a bunch of white girl drug dealers who do look mad soft and nice smelling that we've got love for. Hit the jump for Our Five Favorite White Girl Drug Dealers, both real and imagined...
• Julia Diaco was the dream weed/coke hookup/girlfriend. This Jersey girl went to NYU, slung out of her dorm, and had a budding singing career before a bunch of narcs took it all away in 2004. Ah, we can picture the 5 A.M. bouts of screaming, rolling around in money and driving all over the city in that hired car like it was yesterday. Julia, let us know if you get the ring moving again, we'd love to be your first customer, again.
• The pop starlet told NME that she dabbled in selling ecstasy in Ibiza when she was 15, but that she "Did not excel...I was terrible at it. Golden rule with drug-dealing; don't get too enthusiastic with your own merchandise." Wise words. We'd pay a little extra to have Lily as "our guy" just 'cause it would be so awkwardly hilarious to have a hollow-faced celebrity roll by with the night's twenty bag.
MARY LOUISE PARKER/NANCY BOTWIN
• Just in case you haven't noticed, we don't really draw a line between real life and TV over here. Nancy Botwin can get us hooked up on MILF weed any day. Mix in a dose of that promiscuity, and not only does she have us tuning in every Monday, but we've got the celly phone book opened up just in case she decides to go real life with it.
• You might have missed out on the 100 pounds of marijuana that porn star Katie Morgan got caught with trying to smuggle across the U.S.-Mexico border, but you've probably caught her on HBO or those "special sites" you check at lunch. Katie gave up selling weed to focus on selling sex and clearing her sizable bail. Would she have been a dope weed hookup? Yes. Would you rather see her have sex? Maybe/probably.
CLAIRE DANES and KATE BECKINSALE
• Yes, we've seen Brokedown Palace. We know you claim that you were "framed" with all that heroin, but come on. That's the oldest trick in the white girl book!