Image via Complex Original
So you’ve turned to online dating because it’s the simplest way to “meet” women and weed out the crazies without the awkwardness of a face-to-face conversation. Great. It's obviously easier to message someone you would never have the balls to approach in person. But, many men don’t understand that when a woman views your online dating profile she engages in a detailed analysis that is as thorough as the one she used when selecting a college. Her thirst radar examines everything about you: hobbies, interests, appearance, style, employment, friends, family, pets, grammar—the list goes on. If your Tinder messages are consistently met with the sound of crickets, it’s probably time you take off the blinders and ask yourself, "What the fuck am I doing wrong?" Don’t panic—there’s still time to save yourself from being the salty lurker alone at the bar. Here are some of the most common online dating mistakes out there.
RELATED: You're Doing It Wrong: Condoms
RELATED: You're Doing It Wrong: Oral Sex
RELATED: You're Doing It Wrong: Orgasms
Busy With My Bullshit
It's fine to message a woman back saying, "sorry I haven't checked my messages in a while" and then start a conversation with her—just don't go missing for another month afterwards. If you're so "busy" that you can't find time to read an email, you clearly don't have time to date. Realize that you are not that special and everyone has their own shit going on, too. That, or it may be best to delete your account.
Dogs: A Single Man's Best Friend
Many women love dogs and are dog lovers themselves, so including a picture of you and Rex in one of your profile pics may very well be a smart decision. However, here are a few tips to keep in mind before plastering you and your four-legged BFF all over the place.
First, it's impossible to take a guy seriously who is pictured holding a tiny dog dressed in clothes. (I don't care if you got the dog with your ex-girlfriend and she abandoned you both!) It doesn't make you look like a sensitive guy, it screams MOMMY ISSUES!.
Second, the only thing worse than posting a picture of you with your tiny dog in his/her Burberry doggy stroller, is posting a picture of you and your enormous dog in your tiny-ass studio apartment. If you can see your futon, kitchen and bed with a beastly dog in the middle of it all in one picture, few women will be rushing to join that threesome.
Third, when the majority of your profile revolves around your dog, women get freaked out. Yes, a woman will understand that you have responsibilities and may even have a pet herself, however she does not want to worry that her dates with you will revolve around Rex's doggy daycare schedule and play dates with Spot from Apt 3B.
Repeat Offender
I applaud you on taking a chance and emailing a girl that you think you could hit it off with. However, that does not mean you should start bombarding this woman with messages and "likes" (and certainly not winks, favs, and pokes) when you don't hear from her immediately. Let me break it down for you: people are busy and anyone that is worth dating doesn't stare at their profile all day waiting to receive a message. (If you are doing that, you are passed the point of being helped—good luck.) If you haven't heard from a woman after several days, move on because you never had a chance (probably because you committed one of the nine other blunders on this list.) Remember, you don't know this person or have anything invested. Winking at a stranger does not equal a relationship status. And when a woman doesn't answer your message, it does not mean that she wants you to send another message explaining in detail why are perfect for each other. The only thing getting hit in this case is the block button.
Dressed to Impress (Again?)
Everyone has that one outfit that makes you look like a gawd. Of course you want to use a picture of yourself in your profile wearing it, but let's keep it to one, gentleman. Women will notice if you're wearing the same outfit in every picture. It starts to get less attractive and scarier by the second. Women are going to show your profile to their friends to evaluate you before deciding if they are going to meet you. If you only have one acceptable outfit to wear and the rest are Halloween costumes, it's not going to end well. So go borrow your married friend's shirt the next time you're out (I'm sure his wife will have dressed him appropriately) and get a new picture.
Body Type: I'll Tell You Later
Stop lying about your weight, height, hair color, and overall sexiness. Lying about your physical appearance serves no purpose except to prove that you are insecure (women hate that.) Guys—realize that eventually you will have to meet this woman in person and don't have Mystique's shape-changing power. A woman does not want to show up to a first date and think she is stood up because you are so completely unrecognizable when compared to your profile picture. Even if your stellar personality keeps this woman from having to end the date early because of an "emergency," she isn't going to trust you since you lied to her from the start. Be yourself.
The Where's Waldo Effect
It's great that you have a group of friends that you are close with, but keep them out of your profile pictures. Women don't want to go through every picture in your profile trying to guess if you are the guy in the back funneling a beer. In addition to annoying women who don't have the time to analyze which of the six guys with popped collars in the picture is you (side note, you should avoid posting any picture where you thought it was cool to pop your collar), one of two things is bound to happen: 1) She will be more attracted to one of your friends and spend five minutes fantasizing about a situation where she could go on a couple of dates with you to try to get to your hot friend instead, or 2) She will be completely scared off because you can't post a solo picture of yourself, which throws up a red flag that there may be bigger issues at hand. Be confident! Women want someone who is secure, so take a minute to Google "How to crop a picture."
Keep Your Pokes in Your Pants
Winking, fav'ing, poking, and liking all go hand-in-hand with lame pick-up lines. You may think you're being sincere and flattering when you send these gestures to a women, but all you have done is benched yourself this game. It was never cool to "poke" on Facebook and the same rules apply in the online dating world. I will let you in on a little secret: Women actually sit around with their friends hysterically laughing at you for being a complete creep and poking them. Use your words guys, they will get you further in more ways than one.
Lines That Land You Single
It is not flattering to send a message that says, "If you were on the dollar menu you would be a McBeautiful." No, that is thirsty as hell. No woman feels special that you were able to compare her looks to a dollar menu burger. Stop with the absurd one liners and stick to the basics. A woman is much more likely to respond to, "how is your day going?" than "you're so sexy I think I just fell in love." These terrible pick-up lines only make a woman want to bitch you out and inform you that, "I know I'm sexy and that's why you don't stand a chance."
Nobody Wants an Email Buddy
The whole point of online dating is to actually go on dates. Receiving that first email is an awesome feeling and makes every woman feel great. After a few flirty emails though that's enough. At some point, a woman will actually want to meet you. Continuous emailing becomes a hassle and starts to feel like work, and, let's be honest, no one likes to work. If a girl has to slip in sentences such as, "here is my phone number in case that's easier," or "are you doing anything for the game Thursday night?" and you haven't immediately asked her out, you have missed the boat.
Selfies (a.k.a. Self Destruction)
Are you Bryan Silva? OK, so don't use a mirror selfie as your profile pic. Do you really not know one person to take your picture? Have you never been to a wedding, party, work event, family reunion, or other gathering frequented by picture-taking people? The selfie does not say, "gratata," it says, "I don't actually venture out into social settings because I'm standing in my bathroom flexing on Friday night." Before posting a selfie to your profile, call your brother, your mom, or just bite the bullet and pay a stranger on the street to take your picture. No self-respecting woman wants to date a man whose profile pics resemble the Instagram posts of a 16-year-old girl whose biggest goal in life is to pose for Playboy.
You List "Sex" as a Hobby
Women understand that you are a man and, like 99.9% of the men in the world, you like sex. It doesn't make you appear witty or clever to list it as a hobby. That's just sus. It should not come as a shock that a woman does not want to feel like the only reason you are willing to take her to dinner is to get in her pants later that night. When reading your hobbies, you don't want women to feel like they're playing a game of "what doesn't belong here"—football, surfing, sex, and cooking.