This week in Average Advice, Tom and Lui of Average Rap Band help you, our dear readers, claw your way out of an awkward social situation. Also the ultimate evil of bandwagon-jumping fair-weather sports fans, and tips for holidaying on the cheap.
Read on to get your weekly life lessons, and submit your questions via Facebook or Twitter.
Dear Average Rap Band. I saw this dude I don't know three times in two days. Like just passing him in the street. The third time, he nodded his head at me like we knew eachother. Now I see this dude all the time, and we nod or whatever. I don't want to do this but now I'm stuck in a relationship with someone I've never met. How do I end this?
You can't. I know a man who's been stuck in a nod loop for the last 27 years. His life is a walking, nodding, nightmare. He lives in constant fear of the outside world. Subdued to his lonely quarters to watch from his window. What can he do? If you disengage the nod you'll be sleepless, riddled with guilt. If you take the nod to the verbal level you'll be burdened with another friend you don't want. You'll have to introduce them into your social circles, trust them with your deepest secrets, remember their stupid birthdays. All sorts of unnecessary bullshit nobody needs in this year of 2016, the dawning age of Aquarius.
There are however, certain rules of etiquette that we must address before accepting doom. You must ask yourself if you've got into an upward nod or a downward nod situation? The upward nod can in some instances progress into genuine camaraderie. The downward nod unfortunately is in best cases, a shallow acknowledgment of a stranger's meaningless existence. Borderline condescending. Edging on a non-verbal attack at your character. The warning sign of a duel waiting to happen. If you've got yourself into a downward nod loop, you're fucked mate.
Believe us. We've seen a lot of National Geographic in our time. We got free Foxtel cause fucking Telstra can't connect the wifi properly, so they bribe us into a false sense of content by giving us 780 channels of wildlife documentaries – of which we've watched at least 75 hours worth – so trust me daddy, we know elk behaviour when we see it. Psychologically, the downward nod acts as an indicator of dominance over the rival human. We was watching some D.Dot Attenborough last night and he was talking about when we were like little bonobo people and shit. And I'm pretty sure that back then we had like, horns and shit. I think that's what he was saying. Cause our eyebrows are like, smaller now right? Cause we used to have massive horn brows. Like mini antler jump offs. I'm no anthropologist but I think that's strong enough evidence to conclude that this nod behaviour comes from a time when humans were little elk-monkey hybrids. So it's been around about 12 billion years then. So our advice would be just avoid dude.
Dear Average Rap Band. I've always been a die-hard Laker fan, no lie. But I mean the Heat were my team for a while a few years back. Honestly though I think I'm a Cavaliers fan at heart. I mean I always have been. I hate all these new jacks jumping on the bandwagon since they made the Finals though. How do I prove I'm a legit #cavsnation fan?
People that swap sports teams are the absolute scum of the earth. Worse than the Nazis. Look; Hitler was a cunt, yes. But at least you knew what team he supported. You always knew his alliance. Not like the fucking Swiss. People that trade sports teams are the type of people who will trade their own children when the school play isn't doing well. "Let's just move zones and get into a better school with a better-equipped drama department and more educational opportunities" they say.
A real man never leaves his city. These traitor refugees that flee at the first sight of their village burning to the ground at the hands of rebel insurgents must be Miami Heat fans. If you can't take the heat then get out of the burning village, dick. These cowards deserve to be in jail. Along with these so-called conscientious objectors who refuse to kill or be killed for their team because they want to ride their moral high horse into supreme righteousness where war and sport are but a petty pastime of the poor. They don't understand that belonging to a group is the most fulfilling feeling one could ever feel. Look at ISIS. They're happy. Now that's a loyal fanbase if I've ever seen one.
These gutless deserters who argue that they just enjoy watching the game are missing the whole point. It's not about watching the most well conditioned athletes on the planet push the limits of the human condition. It's about blindly celebrating other people's achievements as if they were your own. The true gift of life is not travel. Broadening one's horizons by exploring new cultures is a fool's paradise sold to you by con artists who have never enjoyed the true euphoria of emotionally investing oneself into a stranger's quest to throw balls into and at things. Lebron is a selfish (2x NBA champion, 2x finals MVP, 4x NBA MVP, 12x NBA All-Star, 2x Olympic gold medal winning) loser.
Dear Average Rap Band. It's freezing guys, freezing! Are you feeling this freeze? I want a vacation, somewhere hot, but I can't afford shit. Wtf do I do?
Syria is beautiful this time of year. So is Iraq, and Yemen is an untouched hot spot. But if you want to truly experience the rich culture of a foreign country, tubing is the way to do it. The locals in Thailand love nothing more than the hilarious antics of a drunk westerner. Ping-pong show mister? Hell yes! That's just the enlightenment I've been searching for. Let us thank white baby Jesus for giving us the poor and misfortunate so that we may enjoy 50 cent beers on the beach while two old ladies fish the funk out of our toes.
In Bali you can get a wooden dick for a dollar. The beautiful view from your 5-star resort over the shanti town beneath you will make you feel relaxed and superior. Breathe in the sweet truck fumes and burning waste of Bangkok and reflect on how good it is not to be trapped in life long systemic poverty. *Exhale*. Can't feel that cold no more can you? No, because the burning last resort tribute to a Buddah that doesn't exist is warming your soul. Poor helpless peasants. Aren't they cute. Let's get a selfie with a monk. 'All good if I rub your head, G? Your tiger looks fucking wasted'.
You can get Xanax at the 7-11 in Vietnam. Just don't get Schapelle Corbyed. And if you do, write a shit book about it full of lies and sell millions of copies. Fuck, I love being a westerner. Westsiiide for life.
