You’ve never shared a convo with a distinct beginning, middle and end, but he works in your office, joined your gym and frequents three out of your top five coffee spots. He’s your menswear archnemesis and your only competition for the title of Nattiest PB In The Room 2k13.

You’ve got more or less equivalent sartorial powers. He comes into work rocking some pre-pre-sample sale Ricky O and the next day you blast back with a linen skilt you won playing cards in the Antilles—harmless body shots.

But over time he’s gotten privy to your patterns. He knows what delicate combination of shitty weather, a hangover and laundry day will have you moseying into the office with your kit off by half a centimeter. And he’ll be there, going one thousand in a partially-lined cashmere jumpsuit with functional butt-flap buttons he’ll say he found “while scouring the market for a piece of Cashel on a soft, Irish day.” The fucking prick.

What follows is a guide to eliminating this threat to your domain, as passed down from one great scholar of menswear one-upmanship to the next. Call me Oscar Wilde Liberace aka ya boy.

Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.