Yo, these Sperry boat shoes cost a g-bar. A G-BAR, SON. Yeah, yeah, they’re made of crocodile and what not, but c’mon. Look at those orthopedic-ass soles. Buy these shoes if you want to kill it with the fallen arches set. You’ll find them ordering the Moons Over My Hammy from Denny’s at 4:30 in the afternoon.

Who does Sperry think they are with that heel insert? Visvim? If you want to show off your newfound wealth, instead of buying these shoes, please just walk around screaming, “NEW MONEY MOTHAFUCKA, CHECK THE KNOT.” It seriously will be less annoying and offensive. Real talk, Sperry? A grand for a shoe with a brown upper and black sole? BROWN AND BLACK? Even that girl who insists on dressing her boyfriend in Seven jeans and metallic dress shirts from Banana Republic (“It’s sooo Mad Men, baby”) knows that brown and black don’t really go together.

I’m still trying to figure out who the target demographic is for this shoe. I mean, who buys a boat shoe lined in deerskin? That has 18K gold plated eyelets? You have to be the biggest asshole ever. That, or you’re significant other is. Either way, you and I probably don’t get along. And don’t get it twisted, I overpay for stupid shit all the damn time. I just bought 35 dollar deodorant. THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS FOR DEODORANT. But that shit smells amazing and all the time my girl is like, “Oooh, you smell so good.” And you know what? Sometimes I haven’t even showered—no wash up, no nothing. So, it’s totally worth it.

Maybe I’m losing touch. Maybe Sperry saw those Don C. snapbacks and thought they could ride some sort of futuristic-gauche-trend-wave. Maybe ugly is the new beautiful. Maybe there’s a whole new set of really rich dudes with amazing senses of irony. Maybe I’m just angry that I don’t have a thousand dollars to waste. You know what? I’m taking these shoes as my new inspiration. If I ever make a lot of money, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BE IGNORANT AS FUCK WITH IT. I WILL MAKE UGLY THOUSAND DOLLAR CROCODILE SPERRY JOINTS LOOK LIKE A SENSIBLE AND SOBER FOOTWEAR CHOICE. Thanks Sperry, you’ve given this young man a new purpose in life.