Things White People Do When Rap Comes On

Am I right, folks.

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Image via Complex Original
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Things white people like: everything. C'mon folks, there are, like, a lot of white people on the planet. Approximately a gajillion (things (some) white people don't like: research). So of course there's a white person whose fancy is tickled by the most decadent and depraved activities on the planet. Also, some really, ahem, whitebread ones too.

But if there's one thing we know a lot of white people like, it's making fun of white people. It's a little self-deprecating, but it's also a little (maybe a lot), "Bwahahahaha, look at those fuckers." Hey, it's the ultimate in white privilege. And it's the most fun when it involves making fun of white people and rap music.

So tell Holly, Heather, Tommy and Taylor to put down the mayonaise sandwiches, throw out the Native American headdress Halloween costumes (see what I did there?), and check out Things White People Do When Rap Comes On.

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"Raise the roof."

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"Raise the roof."

White people are very concerned with the structural stability of basically every building they enter.

Clap on the "one" and "three."

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Clap on the "one" and "three."

This goes back to the military marches of the mid-19th century Germanic tribes, where anything resembling "swing" was stamped out.

Dance...awkwardly.

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Dance...awkwardly.

This is such a dumb stereotype, going hand-in-hand as it does with "black people have natural rhythm," but there clearly is a puritan strain in white America that sees "dancing" as something polite society should never do. As such, the urge is supressed until white children approach maturity, at which point, they try, fail, are embarrassed, etc. Teach your children to dance, it's only natural.

Rap along...at least, as long as you're alone.

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Rap along...at least, as long as you're alone.

This moment of classic American cinema captures a very real schizophrenia at the heart of caucasian hip-hop appreciation.

*Rolls up windows*

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*Rolls up windows*

This writer has a relative (unnamed out of respect) who definitely believes that loud rap music leads to more traffic accidents ("because of the bass"). This is his or her first line of defense.

Rapper-hands.

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Rapper-hands.

Catch the spirit! Who doesn't do these, though.

Shoulder lean or Yung Joc motorcycle dance to everything.

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Shoulder Lean or Yung Joc motorcycle dance to everything.

This is totally a thing, but being completely honest, we don't really see the problem.

Break out the facepaint

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Break out the facepaint.

The media has begun descending on The Gathering in record numbers, even going so far as to release books of anthropological photos. What does this mean? It means Juggalo exposure is no longer limited to the circulation of Murder Dog magazine. Even the obscure demographic of American coffee table book consumers are now aware of the Insane Clown Posse phenomenon.

Frankly, since this year's Gathering doesn't have nearly the same number of classic rap acts as it did in 2011, we feel comfortable saying that these culture vultures jumped on at just the wrong time. Anyway, this has nothing to do with facepaint, which is cool. White people, right?

Start rapping "It Was a Good Day," regardless of what is actually playing

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Start rapping "It Was a Good Day," regardless of what is actually playing.

Any DJ who respects the work of the Isley Brothers knows better than to play the original version in the presence of white music fans in 2013.

Rap along, then get awkward at the n-word parts...or just continue rapping along like it's nbd.

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Rap along, then get awkward at the n-word parts...or just continue rapping along like it's NBD.

We don't approve of the latter, but the former is usually pretty funny. We recommend figuring out a radio edit-style backspin effect that you can flow into effortlessly to soothe awkwardness.

Stop. Collaborate. Listen.

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Stop. Collaborate. Listen.

Actually, this is one of those things white people like to say that white people do, even though white people haven't done this since 1991.

Twerk.

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Twerk.

Know your history: Twerking was invented by Diplo in 2011.

Enjoy it, because its 2013 and everyone listens to rap.

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Enjoy it, because its 2013 and everyone listens to rap.

Everyone under the age of 34 was born after "Rapper's Delight" hit America like a comet. 

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