Image via Complex Original
Last week, the collective Internet watched in enthralled horror as Amanda Bynes shamelessly announced to the world her desire to have Aubrey "Drake" Graham murder her vagina. We marveled, aghast, at the destruction the same way we do sitting shotgun, recklessly rubbernecking to see a flaming twenty car pileup, charred devastation strewn about the guardrail. While everyone joked at the downfall of another teen idol and unnecessarily unpacked the downfall of another teen idol, the Four Pins brain trust turned wide-eyed, for we had found the glorious tipping point we had been searching for all along. See, we've noticed something for a while now, bubbling, percolating in the ether: White girls are evolving. For the past year, the general ratchetness of our universe, and what can only be described as the divine intervention that birthed it, has been spilling over, affecting everything it touches, particularly Caucasian members of the fairer sex. But for every sociological think piece of this magnitude, findings need credence—true objectivism. So, we reached out to the one man privy to such knowledge, an established pioneer of white girl anthropology. That would be Pauly C, better known to the Internet at large as netscapeshawty. Our expert's thoughts are presented as follows, unedited and unabridged.
whitegirllead
1whitegirl
"Shoutout 2 pioneer Ice T who built the first white girl 2.0 from the ground up using vast amounts of silicon and nba 2k create-a-player feature."
2whitegirl
"iono what's gotten into the Fiji water but the 2013 model of white girl is crazy. They r different. They got beanies now. They r wearing menacing neon ski masks n they r completing grand theft auto mission objectives. I haven't watched spring breakers cuz my bootleg man doesn't have it yet but I prolly just described the whole plot."
3whitegirl
"white girls r associating with rappers like never before. wow Miley got pictures hanging with fat trel aka mr #TONGUEINTHEBUTTALLWILDALLCRAZY. Amanda Bynes conspicuously wants a slightly less street rapper to commit a felony on her box."
4whitegirl
"Amanda Bynes has the rawest twitter n she thinks she's Blac Chyna. See prolific tweets such as 'he's rocking that incest face.' She'll prolly move on to trafficking coke by April and if caught will receive the mandatory white girl sentence of slap on the wrist."
5whitegirl
"Selena Gomez slept with gucci mane behind biebers back. Gucci's a killa u can't even say shit if gucci fucks ur girl u just gotta move on. U just gotta tweet thru it. Bieber responded by trying to get in fights with paparazzi. I think he's white girl 2.0 too."
6whitegirl
"Miley got a twerk vid. Lady gaga got a twerk vid. They were very friendly n relaxed twerk vids but still."
7whitegirl
"white girl 2.0 is a army powered by molly and dubstep. they love the dubstep cuz they can't really dance and dubstep can't be danced to. Skrillex is like the illuminati to white girls. he controls them. The lil noises in dubstep songs make em move around like skrillex using a Xbox controller."
8whitegirl
"Rappers mess with white girls now and they do so because white girls unlock ur potential just ask tiger woods. I'm gonna go get with a white girl 2.0 and be all I can be *wifes up Vanessa Hudgens and finally becomes an NBA player + the model that appears on all new du rag packages*"
9whitegirl
"White girl 2.0 hair is wild either its wild short or it got wild swoops in it or they got braids or they just put a wig on n call it day. The hair color wild too. I never thought neon white was a color. I thought it was only a color that u see when u stay inside all day and u finally go outside n feast ur eyes on the sun directly but nah apparently it's a hair color too."
10whitegirl
"In the future white girl 2.0 will take over earth like the terminators. Starbucks coffee-powered offbeat twerk vids will increase tenfold. Because it's white ppl doing it, twerking will become an official dance like ballet or that dance they do when they get the rhythm of the song down then completely disregard it and dance opposite of that rhythm. Miley Cyrus will be known as the Elvis of twerking n I will be a rich man cuz i will invest in ass shake tutorial videos. White girl 2.0 2k13 I'm here for all of it."
