The 10 Douchiest Sports Fan Cities in America
Did your hometown make the list?
Image via Complex Original
Sports bring people together. Across the United States, total strangers pack stadiums and share in the successes, failures, and absurdly marked-up officially licensed apparel of their favorite teams. Sometimes this mob mentality strengthens us, like when New Orleans rallied around the Saints in the wake of Hurricane Katrina or the when the United States Olympic hockey team beat the Soviets during the Cold War. But for every uplifting moment, there are 50 beer bottles thrown at referees, 100 sets of breasts flashed, and 20 hackneyed attempts to defecate into a stadium urinal. This list speaks for the fan bases that, no matter how good their teams are, will always be losers. We proudly present the 10 Douchiest Sports Fan Cities in America.
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Chicago
Jackass Credentials: Disco Demolition Night, Tom Gamboa attack, Wrigleyville, Jim Belushi
Chicago is so douchey it requires its own list. When it comes to baseball you have the option of getting caught in a gang crossfire with the South Side Sox or being vomited on by a drunken frat guy in Wrigleyville. Seriously. Between the attack on Tom Gamboa, the second floor of Barleycorn, and catching one championship in over 200 seasons of combined ball, it's amazing that Bud Selig hasn't contracted the entire Windy City.
Challenge the greatness of Michael Jordan by claiming Kareem Abul-Jabbar or LeBron James as the GOAT and you'll get a bottle of Goose Island smashed over your head. We're not trying to say those guys are better, but Chicago's insufferable defense of the throne comes off pitifully insecure. Since '98, Jordan's kicked in the 3-1-2 to sell his house and open a steakhouse. He's as sick of y'all as we are.
Bears fans are willing to pay $500 a ticket and freeze their asses off in December, just to hurl insults at Jay Cutler while their team gets torched by Aaron Rodgers. Finally, most cities have their signature fans that they can be proud of, (read: Justin Timberlake and the Lakers, Jay-Z and the Nets, Gisele and the Patriots) but Chicago has Jim Belushi, Kristin Cavallari and Steve Bartman. Utterly humiliating.
New York City
Jackass Credentials: Public indecency, Spike Lee, foul language, Fireman Ed
Between Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi, and Andy Pettite, the Bronx Bombers have as many clean championships over the last 25 years as Lance Armstrong. Remember that Yankee fan next time you shell out $275 for a ticket and run your mouth about the "haters being jealous." Without horse steroids and moose hormone, the Yankees would have as storied a modern history as the Seattle Mariners at, like, ten times the payroll. Without Mr. Met, New York fans would stink worse than the garbage lined streets of Manhattan in August.
Oakland
Jackass Credentials: Brawling, riots, Raider Nation
Rarely does a fan base wholeheartedly embrace the identity of their mascot. Your average male Giants fan measures 5'10" and very few Saints fans are venerated by their holiness, for example. But Raider Nation is seemingly proud of its being perceived as a bunch of barbaric criminal castaways. The Black Hole looks like an Insane Clown Posse mosh pit. Everyone's swagged out like GWAR is looking for a new bassist. And Oakland Coliseum is probably the only stadium in the country that could get away with selling pruno out of a pillow case.
Boston
Jackass Credentials: Joel Ward attack, fighting, general boorish behavior
Boston is a city that's crippled by insecurity. You'd almost expect that from a region that boasts New Kids on the Block as its greatest cultural contribution. The Red Sox regularly outspend every team not from New York and still play the ardent underdog role. Seventeen championships for the Celtics, three for the Patriots, and seven for the Sox, we get it. But Tom Brady fumbled, Manny Ramirez was on 'roids, and Cheers fucking sucked. Don't get too full of yourselves.
Los Angeles
Jackass Credentials: Mob beatings, shootings, general rachetness
We really wish we could keep Los Angeles off of this list. The Lakers fan base is probably made up of decent hardworking people, but you wouldn't know it. All we see is a distracted-by-Instagram Chris Brown sitting courtside and a frenzied Khloe Kardashian going absolutely berserk on a nacho buffet. It's sad, really.
The Dodgers are one of the most decorated franchises in Major League Baseball, but for every Matt Kemp stolen base, a Giants fan gets shanked in the parking lot by a season ticket holder with a face tattoo.
Finally, and perhaps most egregiously, the second largest city in the United States cannot support a football team. Do you know how insane that is? Earvin Johnson might think he's on to something with the Farmers Field NFL stadium project, but L.A. needs a football team about as bad as it needs a Magic Hour relaunch.
Miami
Jackass Credentials: Total indifference, record low attendance, you get the idea
This list is populated by fans who are so enthralled with their teams that they react emotionally, physically, and (regrettably) sexually to the on-field play of young millionaires. But Miami is so bizarrely disinterested in sports that it's almost off-putting.
Fans outside Miami loath Miami fans because they're totally undeserving of their flagship franchises. The Marlins, while typically average, have a pair of World Series championships in the last 15 years and consistently draw some of the lowest numbers in baseball. Heat Nation shows up in the second quarter of playoff games, text through the action, and think Shane Battier is a brand of self tanner.
Detroit
Jackass Credentials: 1984 World Series Riot, Malice in the Palace, threatening to bomb the Super Bowl
A lot of people blame Ron Artest for the deplorable "Malice in the Palace" incident, but spend 30 seconds in Detroit or listen to Kid Rock's Born Free all the way through and suddenly he becomes a martyr. The city that brags about Insane Clown Posse and the '88 Ford Festiva also boasts one of the most iconic sports riot images of all-time: A drunken Tigers fan holding up a pennant in front of an overturned, flaming police car. Awesome.
Cleveland
Jackass Credentials: Assaulting children, "10 Cent Beer Night," bottle throwing
We can hardly blame LeBron James and Art Modell for jumping ship on C-Town. The city's biggest cultural attraction is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We're sorry, but A Christmas Story House is not going to hold the attention of a millionaire 20-something and y'all should be more understanding. So, take a fire extinguisher to that torched LeBron jersey, give Dan Gilbert a hug, and move on.
Morgantown, WV
Jackass Credentials: Rioting after football games, beating up opposing fans, throwing batteries
It might be impossible to humiliate West Virginia. The state's biggest export is crank, favorite pastime is backyard wrestling, and its institution of higher education celebrates football wins by torching the city to the ground. After a 1996 game, a University of Miami coach was hit in the head with a trash can. Last year WVU students celebrated a win against Texas by overturning cars, fighting police officers, and starting fires. The event triggered a plea from Morgantown's mayor to institute a tax on all students to strengthen the police and fire units that continually have to respond to their partying.
Visiting basketball teams will occasionally leave cheerleaders and staff on campus, rather than bringing them into the raucous WVU Coliseum. WVU administrators regularly remind students to "behave" before big games and coach Bob Huggins once took to the microphone during a game to tell fans to stop throwing items on the court.
Philadelphia
Jackass Credentials: Vomiting on children, booing Santa Claus, cheering a career-ending neck injury
When it comes to the wide-scale disgracing of a city by its fans, you'd be hard pressed to find a more shameful place than Philadelphia. In 1968, a halftime show featuring Santa Claus was received with deafening boo's along with an onslaught of snowballs. In 1989, Philly fans pelted Cowboys players and coaches with snowballs resulting in a two-game ban on alcohol sales at The Vet. By 1997, behavior by Eagles fans had become so unruly that ownership built a makeshift jail in the stadium complete with a Municipal Court Judge.
And things only get worse during baseball season. In 1997, J.D. Drew (then with the St. Louis Cardinals) was pelted with D-Cell batteries while playing right field. Getting tasered while running drunk through the outfield has turned into a rite of passage for Phillies' die-hards. And—in probably the most vomitus story in this list of vomitus stories—a Phillies fan purposely threw up on another spectator and his 11-year-old daughter, began berating the man with punches, and was carried out of the stadium while screaming profanities at the crowd. City of brotherly love, indeed.