Hey guys, did you know that in Silicon Valley there's a huge premium on youth? VCs (aka dudes with lots of money, but not a lot of great ideas) seem to only invest in young founders. And by young, we're talking people in their 20s. 35? GET THE FUCK OUT HERE, YA OLD WRINKLY BAG OF YESTERYEAR. And according to this Valleywag piece that summarizes an article by The New Republic, which I'm now summarizing for you, this ageism has led tech workers to seek out plastic surgery in order to stay relevant. 26-year-olds are going in to plastic surgeons to curtail receding hairlines. Dudes are surreptitiously getting Botox over the weekends, showing up on Monday looking like slightly younger, more facially paralyzed versions of themselves. Which, just a side note, we all notice when you change something dramatically in 48 hours. Take a hint from girls, who have been facing this kind of superficial pressure since the dawn of time: YOU CAN’T HAVE NIA LONG STYLE SHORT HAIR AND THEN OVER THE WEEKEND GROW OUT A FUCKING BEYONCE MANE.

Researchers are quick to point out that the tech sector's youth obsession is actually misplaced. Most successful founders who had billion dollar companies averaged 34 years old. THAT'S GOOD NEWS FOR ME. I'VE GOT A FEW MORE YEARS TO MAKE MY FIRST BILLION. Zuckerberg, I'm coming for dat ass. "Young people are just smarter." ZUCKGOD ACTUALLY SAID THAT. So, does that mean you just get dumber over time? Maybe that's why Faebook sucks so much now.

But for real, I'm just happy that men are experiencing even a fraction of the societal pressures that women do. Women been had to be smart and young and look good in pencil skirts just to get into the office, so I don't feel bad for some uber dorks who feel self-conscious about their wrinkles and hairlines having an impact on their careers for the FIRST TIME EVER. Welcome to my world, dawg. I'm out here contemplating CrossFit and shit because TOMMY DON'T TAKE NO PHOTOS OF FATTIES.