BENJI GOT A MAKEOVER. But instead of an awesome makeover, She’s All That (or Pygmalion if you are an asshole) style, they fucked it up. Forget taking the glasses off an already cute girl and BOOM she’s an unstoppable dime piece. The government was all like, “Yo, let’s make this shit look like actual counterfeit money despite the point being to make it harder to counterfeit.” Also, WHO THE FUCK COUNTERFEITS ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS? Even when I shop at classy spots like Atelier they check my hundos under the light. But, guess what? All my singles and fivers are totes fake. LOOPHOLE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

I mean, if we’re gonna upgrade our currency game, we need a complete overhaul, not just little tweaks and WordArt looking ass fonts. GOD, THE FONTS ARE HORRIBLE. (That’s probably what your graphic designer friends say all the time.) The barometer for what not to do? Australian money. Have you seen the Australian…Koala? I don't know or care what Australian’s actually call their money, but it’s probably something really vulgar. Australians have horrible potty mouths. But don’t tell them I said that because if I ever need drugs at a party or concert or when I'm traveling abroad, you can bet your ass I'm looking for an Australian. Those cats will always sort you out. They will probably call you a cunt or something, but they always come through with the good ass intoxicants. Anywho, their money is fucking RAINBOW COLORED. Seriously, shit looks like Fruity Pebbles in your wallet. I’m not sure we can ever abandon our classic green. I mean, there’s too many color of money aphorisms and shit to give that up. We just need to hire a radical Japanese dude like Tokito Yoshida or Daiki Suzuki to come in and reboot the entire brand like they did for Barbour and WWM.

Actually, who the fuck am I kidding? If you give a shit about the aesthetics of a hundred dollar bill your priorities are all the way fucked up. I, for one, don’t care if the hundred dollar bill is literally just a photograph of a piece of shit. As long as I can spend it on things I don’t even remotely need, me and the Fed are cool.