If the calendar year were a chart of sexual intimacy, the week after Christmas is the post-ejaculatory comedown. You spend all of December building up to the 25th and then, just like that, it’s over and you’re lying face down on the mattress, catching your breath and, if I know a thing or two about you, crying. You think about what you just gave and received, and maybe you’re totally satisfied. Or maybe you were hoping for something a little bit more. Either way, it’s over and you’re going to have to wait a whole year for that to happen again.
Extended sexual metaphors aside, for those who celebrate Christmas, the period between December 26th and 30th is spent one of two ways: being thankful for the presents you received and the time you spent with loved ones or wondering why the hell someone who knows you so well would give you such shitty gifts.
For all the ungrateful bastards who fall into the latter category, we’ve assembled a helpful list of ways to make the most out of your terrible Christmas presents.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.