The Raws after minor Pay-Per-Views are not supposed to be this good. That was the main thought running through every WWE fan’s mind after the flagship show went off-the-air last night, a show that blew any expectations out of the water by being just a really fun three hours. It all started with the sound that makes grown men squeal like excited children: GONG. That’s right, the Undertaker made his first appearance on Raw since the night before WrestleMania XXX in order to explain his actions at WWE Battleground, when he interrupted the main event to go to town on Brock Lesnar.
Taker’s explanation was as expected: He’s pissed that Lesnar conquered his Streak and paraded it around for the last 16 months. Not the most compelling reason to have a fight, but it was all validated by the second act on the night. After Triple H and Stephanie McMahon made Taker/Brock the official main event for SummerSlam, they enlisted the help of the entire locker room to keep the two men apart so as to not jeopardize the match. That...well, that failed miserably.
Paul Heyman trudged out to go full Paul Heyman mode, talking a whole bunch of shit about Taker, which of course brought out the Deadman to scare a 49-year-old non-wrestler because WWE faces are horrible people.
Shocking absolutely no one, Brock Lesnar showed up to defend his advocate-slash-try to murder Undertaker on live television, and what followed was one of the greatest brawls ever.
Even after all of that, upon return from commercial, the brawl continued backstage, as no less than 30 wrestlers failed to contain (mostly) Brock in his quest for revenge. It also led to the greatest Vine in WWE history:
The fake police WWE employ were finally able to put zip ties on Brock and escort him away, ending one of the best non-wrestling segments in recent memory. Following that, Seth Rollins did what Seth Rollins does and came out to the ring to gloat about still being champion. He even went so far as to call himself the “most underappreciated champion in WWE history,” which brought out Mr. WWE himself John Cena, because nothing lures John Cena better than anyone else speaking positively about their accomplishments.
Cena proceeded to basically copy and paste his promos from the Kevin Owens feud (R.I.P. sweet prince), calling Seth a joke and saying he’s not a man unless he fights Cena himself. Seth, being cowardly yet smart, decided to avoid that bullet and, after a brief altercation, ran out of the ring, allowing Cena to pander to a very hot Kansas City crowd. The more things change, the more CenaWinsLOL.
Finally, a positive development: There were TWO Divas matches on Raw, and neither ended in a distraction roll-up three minutes in! It’s weird to say this is progress, but yes, it is progress. The first match was Charlotte facing off against Brie Bella, who can’t sell to save her life.
It also featured Team B.A.D. (Naomi/Sasha Banks/Tamina) on commentary, which led to Michael Cole accidentally calling her “Tina” Snuka, and also Sasha Banks being great:
The match itself was fine, going around nine minutes and ending when Charlotte locked in her Figure Eight submission on Brie, making her tap for the second night in a row. Better luck next time, Brie Mode.
In the other match, we got a tag team match (playa!) featuring Paige and Becky Lynch teaming up against Naomi and The Boss, Sasha Banks. This started slowly, with lots of heel wrestling from Team B.A.D. (Beautiful and Dangerous), but eventually picked up after a Paige hot tag. Sasha Banks, proving she is the best, got the win for her team after breaking up Paige’s PTO attempt on Naomi and putting the Pale One into her trademark (and brutal) submission, the Banks Statement.
Los Matadores def. the Primetime Players due to distraction from New Day
Side note: The New Day rules.
Big Show def. Miz by flying elbow
Roman Reigns def. Luke Harper by DQ. After the match, Reigns and Dean Ambrose fought off Bray Wyatt and Harper.
Cesaro/Randy Orton/John Cena def. Sheamus/Kevin Owens/Rusev by Super RKO