Ryan Lochte's developing years were spent under water, depriving his brain of oxygen. While he has a freakish lung capacity and five gold medals to show for his troubles, there's also his heartbreaking inability to articulate a single coherent thought. Poor guy. With his disappointing 2012 Olympic games behind him, Lochte finally has time to brush up on his collection of original works by Leo Tolstoy and finish his first edition copy of The Canterbury Tales. Jeah!