Original Airing: 1993-present

Award shows in general are just lame excuses to stroke the egos of millionaires, but the ESPY's are an especially embarrassing example. First, athletes are already showered with awards, accolades, and—of course—enormous paychecks. Second, there's already a mechanism for deciding supremacy, they're called games. Tom Brady has three Super Bowl rings, two MVP trophies, and Gisele Bundchen—leave it to ESPN to sanctimoniously validate him with a fucking ESPY.

We can't understand how so many adults can keep a straight face with this sort of vapid pandering on a red carpet. The ESPYs are just a showy excuse for ESPN to kiss its own ass and contribute to the regretful notion that athletes are entertaining at whatever they do. It's why Dwight Howard thinks he's hilarious, David Ortiz think he's interesting, and why Lance Armstrong has such a profound God complex. If LeBron James, Phil Mickelson, or Reggie Bush had to rely on personality to make it in this world, they'd all be incredibly athletic rodeo clowns. Remember that, guys.