Why MLB Thinks You're Stupid

Because They Can Laugh At You

Then, if you stop showing up, you have dipshits like Chris Perez call you out. The Indians closer, who will make $4.5M this summer to bounce sliders and lose his job to Vinnie Pastrano, said last week, "Nobody wants to play in front of 5,000 people" in reference to low attendance at Progressive Field, "it's a slap in the face." In recession-trampled Cleveland, the Indians raised their ticket prices this season. It costs (on average) $175 for a family of four to attend a game. The team is 214-272 over the last three seasons and hasn't won a World Series since 1948. If Perez feels like he's been slapped in the face, Indians fans should feel like they've had their balls kicked through their throats.

So, why show up? Baseball's a low-scoring game. There's no clock and, on average, there's twenty-six seconds of guys dicking around between pitches. The only way to get through a live game is to get totally faded. You'd think that in a league with a team called the "Brewers" and stadiums named for "Miller" and "Coors," the one place you'd catch a break is on the cost of a beer. Nope. 

The St. Louis Cardinals play in Busch Stadium, which is literally down the street from a Budweiser brewery. The clubs still has the balls to charge $7 per sud. Boston fans, in addition to being charged the denominationally inconvenient $7.25, are also limited to twelve ounces at a time. And the only thing the Miami Marlins lead baseball in is robbing their fans at $8 per cerveza! There's really no limit to what these clubs will do to screw you over, and Chris Perez wonders why the stadium's empty. 

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