Last night, AMC's latest attempt to find a suitable replacement for Don Draper and Walter White gave us a whiny cabbage farmer with a tiny ponytail named Abraham Woodhull. Nah.
That's dishonest Abe, played by Jamie Bell, covering his shame with an 18th-century beenie. He's the star of Turn. He's the guy we're supposed to root for as he goes from mediocre farmer with a nagging wife—does prestige TV know any other kind?—and a stern father, to an activated revolutionary, ready to fight against King and Crown for the freedom of the American colonies. *Beat drop on fife-and-drum remix of Creed's "With Arms Wide Open"*
Actually, Creed would be too honest a choice for the downbeat earnestness of this emo version of not-very-fun spygame stuff. As the incredibly lame credits of Turn make clear, The National is the band of American patriots and Whole Food shoppers alike.
There are two things that make this sequence suck. The first is Matt Berninger, lead vocalist and songwriter for The National. (He's joined on the song by Joy Williams, who sings for a band called The Civil Wars, a fact I'll just leave right there.) For a band that makes music for college-educated white males who turn up with a good bottle of red and a fine cry, The National has produced three excellent albums (Alligator, Boxer, and High Violet). That Berninger sings the vocals for "Hush," which is the name of this 30-second credit snippet, signals to the viewer like Paul Revere's OG artisinal candle-lamps. This is gonna be a serious show on the Pitchfork tip, so put on your cool pants and get a Hitler Youth haircut. And in case you're deaf, the supposed-to-be handcut paper animation is also very flea market chic. As a person just curling up in front of your TV, isn't it fun to be pigeonholed by your programming?
Except this isn't like a good National song. This show is dull and severe. It's not as fun as, say, zooming around underwater in a submarine shaped like an egg. Which is something that happens in the credits.
There will be some people who like these credits (lames)—which is fine, because even then we'll still be in agreement that Turn is a snore.
Can we get a big-budget show from a quality network like AMC that doesn't give us the conflicted male lead with the paper-thin partner, baby on her hip, some complaint poised at her lips? It's like AMC doesn't get that people love and respect Mad Men because it can deliver a great joke while also beating the slow drum of existential dread. (Not to mention the characters of Joan, Peggy, Megan, and Betty.) It's like AMC has never heard of Orange Is the New Black.
Wake up and pick the zombie guts out of your eyes, AMC executives. You don't have a winner yet.
Ross Scarano is a deputy editor at Complex and owns High Violet on vinyl. He tweets here.
