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Meeting her parents is like taking a pop quiz. Chances are, you're unprepared. But unlike in school, there are no retakes or second chances. First impressions stick.
You only get one shot to make her parents like you. Or, at least not actively dislike you. Make it count with our guide to meeting your girlfriend's parents.
By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
Send your anonymous sex and dating questions to [email protected], and we'll answer them in our new advice column, 99 Problems.
Get the lowdown before you go.
Before your girlfriend tosses you into a minefield, ask her to illustrate a lay of the land. Does her grandpa have a tendency to tell long stories while sporadically spitting? Is her dad sensitive to discussions about current events? These are helpful things to know before going into the line of fire.
Conversely, it's also helpful to know a little about each of her family members. You may have gleaned some of this from conversations with her, but ask her to fill in the blanks. Where does her little sister go to school again? What teams do her family support? All of these details provide natural segues into conversation. If she says her dad is big on golf, you know chatting him up about the PGA tour will guarantee a lively discussion.
Don’t come empty-handed.
Arriving at the door with your hands empty is not a good look. It's not that her parents require a bottle of wine as an entrance fee, or really need that box of eclairs to put up with your company. It's what the action communicates. Bringing anything shows you're making an effort and that their opinion matters to you. It shows you're polite and well-meaning. In other words, it makes an excellent first impression.
Cut the act.
Yes, offer her dad a firm handshake, and give her mother a compliment on her cooking, but make sure it all comes from a genuine place. If you have a plastic smile glued to your face for the entirety of the evening, and everything you say is stilted and blatantly appeasing them, you risk seeming insincere.
Instead, let them see what their daughter does. Sure, be somewhat reserved (i.e. politics, religion, money and sex should not enter the conversation), but also let them in a little bit. Tell a joke, rattle off a story or two, and let them get to know you. The more they feel like they're actually meeting a real person, rather than just another boyfriend trying win their favor, the more likely you are to, well, win their favor.
Find common ground.
At the end of the day, meeting her parents is not unlike meeting anyone for the first time. It's about searching for things you have in common and respecting what you don't.
The easiest way to find common ground is to ask questions. Where did her dad go to school? What does her mom do on the weekends? Be interested in who they are and what they're about, and they'll be less averse to seeing your face again.
Embrace the scene accordingly.
A crucial part of making her parents like you is not offending them. While this seems obvious, there are many unintentional ways you can signal disrespect, particularly when her parents don't share the same beliefs as you.
The easiest way to avoid an awkward scenario where you do something offensive (aside from asking her about what is acceptable beforehand) is to observe the scene, and act accordingly. If her family says grace before dinner, politely bow your head. If they have a drink before dinner, toast it up. If they eat while sitting on the floor, or with their hands, you do the same. If they're serving food you haven't tried (or even heard of), eat it willingly and enjoy it (or at least look like you are).
Bridging cultural differences, while difficult, is not impossible. It just means being open-minded, aware, and willing to embracing her family's traditions, even if they depart from your own.
Treat their daughter with respect.
The most important thing you can do in the presence of her parents is act like you care about their daughter. Considering this is your girlfriend we're talking about, this should be the easy part, right?
Pay attention to how you address her; "Sweetheart, can you pass the salad dressing?" vs. "Get me another soda" conveys more than you may think. Also, be aware of how you touch her. Holding her hand is a sweet gesture for a parent to observe, squeezing her ass is not.
In general, keep the affection PG. You want to show them you have a healthy relationship, not a healthy sex life.
Show gratitude.
The simplest way you can make a positive impression on her folks is to be polite. Turns out, please and thank you are the magic words.
If you're meeting her parents, you're likely at their house, drinking their wine and eating their food. Be thankful for that, and for having the opportunity to meet them. Frequent and genuine words of gratitude will go a long way.
Don't get drunk.
You might think you become wittier with every sip of scotch you take, and your girlfriend might agree, but we guarantee you her parents won't. If there was ever a time to show restraint with the booze, it's when her parents are the ones supplying it.
Chugging a glass of Cabernet to calm your nerves, while totally understandable is, as Sublime would say, the wrong way. Their first impression of you shouldn't be an image of you drooling between telling inappropriate jokes. There's a time and place for dick jokes and slurring, and it's not with her family.
Help clean up.
Whether it's a holiday dinner, or just an impromptu gathering, chances are her family put a decent amount of time and effort into preparing for the event. After thanking them for the wonderful meal, rather than going off to watch TV with her brother, stay behind and ask if you can help clean up. Even if they refuse your help, make a point to clear the table.
This is the kind of stuff parents, particularly moms, remember. It's the tiny gestures of kindness that will make you stand out in her eyes.
