Who inspires more stans?

Like most rappers, Jay Z has many nicknames. Unlike most rappers, people actually use them. (Every time Lil Wayne reminds us about “Tunechi,” it feels like Gretchen from Mean Girls trying to make “fetch” stick.)

Though Jigga is used most often, none are as important as Hova. Why? Well, remember last summer? When Yeezus dropped and everyone was pissed at Kanye for calling himself God in “I Am a God?” Well, during that week, I had a back and forth with a friend who argued Jay Z would never be that arrogant.

Friend: “I know Hov is arrogant. But he ain’t never take it that far, D. You gotta admit that, at least.”

Me: “YOU JUST CALLED HIM HOV! WHICH IS SHORT FOR HOVA! WHICH IS SHORT FOR JEHOVAH! WHICH IS GOD’S ACTUAL NAME! WHICH IS WHAT JAY Z HAS ASKED US TO CALL HIM FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS!"

Somehow, Jay Z has managed to manipulate his fans—myself included—into calling him God without us realizing that we’re calling him God. This, not the diamond sign or the disappearance of Amil, is the best evidence that he may be a member of the Illuminati.

And yet, when considering Beyoncé’s stans, I’m reminded of a line from The Usual Suspects, when Verbal Kent first tells Agent Kujan about Keyser Soze: “Keaton always said, ‘I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.’ Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.”

Well, I also believe in God. But the only thing that scares me is the BeyHive. I mean, did you see what they did to Target?

Edge: Beyoncé