Last night, just as the clock struck midnight, Solange Knowles' wallflower big sister Beyoncé Enola Gay-ed a whopping 32-track/video glistening album with little more than an afternoon in a pizza outfit as a marketing campaign. BEYONCE, whose title echoed the collective sentiments of the music world, brought Twitter to its caps-locked knees and sold 80,000 copies in three hours. But you already knew all that, because you're a sentient human being (or a very gifted house cat).
As is par for the course when virtually anything that happens in music, offices and coffee shops around the world began to thunder with the sounds of thousands of bloggers feverishly tapping out what they confidently believe to be The Definitive BEYONCE Thinkpiece™. And while we don't doubt that everyone with an Internet connection has 6,000 words' worth of very important and insightful things to say about Bey's latest banger, we decided to spare you. Come on. It's Friday. Here are 30 BEYONCE Thinkpieces We Could Have Written But Didn't...
"What Beyoncé's New Album Means for Obamacare"
"How BEYONCE's Social Media Marketing Doesn't Change Anything for Artists Who Don't Have 53 Million Facebook Likes"
"Beyoncé is the Cyclone: How Bey's 'XO' Video Snippet Revived the Staten Island Community in Under 15 Seconds"
"Our Beyoncé, Ourselves: What Queen Bey's Comfort With Her Sexuality Says About the State of Feminism Today"
"Fame is a Mother: How Childbirth Affects R&B Singers"
"Stay-at-Home, Dad: Why Jay Z Needs to Hang Up the Mic"
"How BEYONCE Fell Short and Black Panties Became the New Feminist Manifesto"
"Fuck You, Lorde: Why Every Other Female R&B Singer Should Just Kill Themselves"
"Blue North: Extrapolating 2030's Album of the Year Based on Yeezus and BEYONCE"
"Beyoncé and the NSA: How the Midnight iTunes Debut is a Tacit Endorsement of the National Spying Apparatus"
"Bad Bey: How Harvey Keitel's Soul and Dick-Baring Performance in "Bad Lieutenant" Influenced Beyoncé’s New Album"
"Bad Bs Bomb First: What Beyonce's Drone Strike Means for National Security, Both at Home and Abroad"
"A Diamond In The Flesh: Why Beyoncé Would Rather Be Royal"
"B Direct: Beyonce and Instagram's Ass Delivery Innovation"
"Top 173 Most Unbelievable Moments Beyoncé's BEYONCE Made Us 'Just Cannot Right Now'"
"25th Hour: Our Beyoncé Addiction and What It Means For Year-End List Rehabilitation"
"Queen Loophole: Beyoncé Exposes Pitchfork's Inability To Rate Videos"
"Finding Her B-Spot: How Beyoncé Lyrics Can Improve Your Sex Life"
"U MAD, MA? The Preemptive Annoyance with Mommybloggers Who are Just Jelly That Their Babies Aren't in Beyoncé's Video"
"On Narcissism Now: Why Beyoncé's 17 Videos are a Symptom of Millennial Self-Obsession"
"A Life Without 'Yo Mama' Jokes: Blue Ivy's Burden"
"B Jobs: How Beyoncé Saved Apple"
"Sympathy for the Record Industry: Why Beyoncé's Album Should Have Released on Cassette"
"1+1: What the Beyonce Album Can Tell Us About the Scandal Finale"
"Girl, Bye: Is BEYONCE the Most Productive Distraction from Post Partum Depression Ever?"
"Mom and Pop: How Beyoncé and Jay Z Created a Cottage Industry That is Larger Than the Economies of Most Countries"
"How Beyoncé's Vegan Diet Gave Her the Clarity to Mastermind This Stealth Release"
"Beyonce Single-Handedly Refutes Gen Y's Symptomatic Cultural Apathy by Doing the Most"
"Coming of Age: How Memphis Bleek's Babysitting Made BEYONCE Possible"
"Fuck Your Thinkpiece: How Beyoncé Taught Us to Enjoy the Music Again"