Dear Shia LaBeouf’s Rattail,
Whoa! Hey there, little buddy. Where did you come from?
I mean, if I had to, I could guess where you came from. Probably somewhere near the Heavy Metal Parking Lot, just beyond Thunderdome perhaps? Or maybe the locker room of an Argentine fútbol team?
I kid, Shia LaBeouf's Rattail, I kid. I know there's only one place you could possibly be from, and that is a place of genius.
You'll have to forgive me, Shia LaBeouf's Rattail, but I was starting to think that maybe Shia had gone insane. The plagiarism, the paper bag, the three—THREE!—Transformers movies. But now, I'm beginning to think that it's all of us who are crazy because only a certifiable prodigy could debut a new hairstyle like you on an outdoor escalator accompanied by a girlfriend with no eyebrows whose last name is literally "Goth." In that context, you seem almost normal. Shia and his girlfriend are like an American version of Die Antwoord, only they would never dream of starring in a movie with a mulleted Hugh Jackman and a single, human-sized robot. Suddenly all those Transformers make a lot of sense.
Shia obviously knows how special you are. He shaved the hair on either side of you down to the skin as a sign of respect because a king's subjects must never stand taller than the king. And he braided you spectacularly, in the historical style of the ancient warriors known as the Jedi. The Force is strong with you, Shia LaBeouf's Rattail.
I can only imagine how things might have been better for Shia had you and he been partners all along. I'm talking Indiana Jones and the Rattail on His Crystal Skull. Wall Street: My Rattail Never Sleeps. Nymphomaniac: Vol. III: I'm Going to Use My Rattail On You This Time. Sure, that Sia video was cool, but imagine if you had been there? Forget a chandelier, she'd be swinging from you, Shia LaBeouf's Rattail. I just know it.
What I'm really trying to say, Shia LaBeouf’s Rattail, is this: I know you're probably just a clip-on rattail, and you may even be for a role. I know that you could be gone in an instant, like Shia's girlfriend's eyebrows or Shia's girlfriend, but, goddammit, I love you and all that you stand for, Shia LaBeouf’s Rattail. And on behalf of the Internet, I would like to thank you.
Never change.
Love,
Steve
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
