Wow, the paper of record, The New York Times, is really out here trying to say that monocles are a real, actual fashion trend right now. FUCK YOU, GREY LADY. MONOCOLES ARE A TREND FOR PEOPLE WHO EXCLUSIVELY DO DOUCHEY THINGS, LIKE STAND IN EXTREMELY LONG LINES FOR HAMBURGERS THAT ARE ESSENTIALLY NO DIFFERENT THAN CULVER'S. SHAKE SHACK CAN SUCK IT.
Sorry, back to monocles. Look, it's bad enough that for, like, 3 years everyone was carrying around copies of Monocle magazine as if we all knew how to read actual words and care about things like the infrastructure of Malawi. Now you're trying to say that monocles—the signature eyewear of an anthropomorphic peanut—are happening? That it's "trending," as they say in the biz? Fuck outta here, fam. You know your trend piece is sunk from the start when the only photo you can find to support your outrageous claim is of "an aspiring Miami rap musician who can be seen sporting a monocle on his SoundCloud page." I was already deceased at "rap musician". AYO JOSE VEGA, IMMA LET YOUR BARS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES, BUT C'MON, AIN'T NOBODY EVER SUCCESSFULLY MEAN MUGGED IN A MONOCLE.
I guess the biggest sector in this booming monocle economy is middle-aged dudes who don't want to wear reading glasses. So instead they choose to wear the official eyewear of history's richest dickheads? Only a middle-aged white dude would think a monocle is more dignified than a pair of standard, dope reading glasses. Glasses make you look erudite and thoughtful. Monocles make you look blatantly racist and miserly.
Evidently, Warby Parker even makes a monocle. Hey Warby Parker, cool your fucking jets. It's one thing to make struggle Moscots for all the baristas in middle America to wear while they fuck up everyone's perception of "good coffee." It's a completely different thing to sell a goddamn monocle. MONOCLES AREN'T EVEN REMOTELY PRACTICAL. I wear dresses as shirts for a living and even I find monocles come across as an affectations.
SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO BE THAT GUY WITH THE MONOCOLE? I'm pretty sure dudes in monocles are the reason why global warming can't be stopped, alternatives to nuclear energy will never get funded, why we're all goddamn broke and why McDonald's refuses to serve breakfast after 10:30am.
Someone at The New York Times needs to let me hold a byline for a month or two. I'll give you douchebags some real trends to talk about. Like, how dudes are embracing rare hemlines. I'll even drop op-ed bangers on the importance of the bucket hat and how Kanye killed the FBT. Me and Maureen Dowd will develop a friendly, collegial relationship based on tête-à-têtes at the office Keurig. JUST LIKE THAT, DOWD WILL BE DROPPING PITHY, POLITICAL OBSERVATIONS IN ALL CAPS THANKS TO YA BOY'S POWERFUL INFLUENCE. And I won't need a fucking bespoke monocle to make it happen.