Yesterday, the nominations for the 86th Academy Awards were announced. While the Academy’s choices were certainly interesting, we couldn’t help but think that there were a few awards categories that they left out. No one cares about Best Sound Mixing—they just want to hear about boobs and drugs and what movie Ashton Kutcher is going to ruin this year. While the Academy may be too good to present awards for these superficial feats, I, on the other hand, have no dignity or shame. So, without further ado, I present to you the first annual Four Pins Movie Awards.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.